Author: Judson's Legacy

One the many difficulties in grief is that all the usual day-to-day challenges of life don’t cease just because you’ve experienced significant loss.  Computers still crash, interpersonal challenges continue to arise, injuries still occur, children still disobey, work stresses continue, and so on and so forth.

The difference is that you have little to no reserves to cope with these nuisances and struggles.  The slightest thing can push you over the edge leaving you completely disabled and discouraged.
I have found that there are things in my life where previously, before Jud got ill and died,  I could easily roll with the punches, but now I have no capacity to deal with them appropriately.

Every molehill feels like a huge mountain.

During our brief stay in AZ, we visited a small church that had heard about Jud and had been praying for our family throughout Jud’s affliction and our grief, but we were surprised when the pastor welcomed us from the pulpit, making us feel like honored guests.

It, once again, gave us a glimpse of the love we’ve had from strangers.

In the midst of such wretched circumstances we have been humbled to experience the depth of fellowship found in the family of faith.

There are some people in our lives who were at one time strangers, but have engaged our story so significantly, that is has truly become part of their own journey.

On a drive to Colorado this weekend, Drake and I had the chance to stay a night in Sedona, AZ with some of these people, dear friends we had never even met before.

It was so touching to finally meet face-to-face with people who have poured out their hearts before the Lord on our behalf, people who have loved us so well from afar.

I was struck by the ease with which we connected, as if we have been friends for years.  This is the beauty of Christian fellowship-the common bond of Jesus Christ where strangers are actually brothers and sisters.

And these beloved friends in AZ have truly loved us like brothers and sisters.

Do children require care in heaven?  If so, who is caring for my sweet man?  Has someone been specifically commissioned by God to care for him until Drake and I arrive?

It is hard to imagine anyone other than Drake or me watching over our Jud.  This concept makes me feel like Jud is an orphan in heaven.  That would mean that most children in heaven are orphans.

I know Jud cannot feel loneliness or need in paradise, but if he does indeed require care, I bemoan the fact that I’m not the one lovin’ on him.

Dear family and friends,

When I woke this morning, on Judson’s ½ birthday, sorrow gripped my heart tightly in anticipation of the day originally set aside to celebrate our boy’s life, yet now occurring in the throes of grief over his death.

But tonight, I lay my head on my pillow, gripped with tremendous gratitude over the manner in which God has unexpectedly loved us on this bittersweet occasion.

It absolutely blows my mind that after 8 months people are still mindful of our family and sensitive to our needs. We were overwhelmed today with love-a love that, quite frankly, seems supernatural. It is a love that has been poured upon us without expectation or condition, full of generosity, kindness, and enthusiasm. I admit to feeling unworthy of and humbled by the kind of love that has flooded our parched hearts today.

Thank you to the MANY people who contributed to our surprise this evening…we were SHOCKED to be blessed by such an array of gifts that particularized us in our interests and needs. This experience will be seared on our hearts as a reminder of God’s goodness to us when we are feeling especially low. There are no words to adequately express our gratitude.

We also received cards, flowers, emails, posts, and calls from people who remembered the significance of our day today.

All of this truly amazes us!

These gestures mean far more than anyone can imagine. There are times it can feel as though we are in the abyss and then people reach into our lives to reveal that there is light, there is significant light, and we are not engulfed in darkness. And most of all, they remind us that we are not alone, which can be one of the greatest pains in loss.

Thank you for all who continue to regularly remind us that we are not alone! Whether it be today or the MANY other days and ways we are touched by overtures of love.

We were given an incredible blessing in the opportunity to be Judson’s parents and we celebrate his life today. We have also been given an incredible blessing in the support we have received in his suffering and death.

Thank you for continuing to journey with us!

Much love,
Christina (on behalf of Drake too)

My dear, sweet, beautiful boy,

You would be 3 ½ today if you were still living here on this earth.  This is the day your dad and I had set aside to celebrate your life each year.  But now you are no longer with us, and though we continue to celebrate your life, rejoicing greatly in who you are, it is coupled with mourning your death.

My grief over your absence continues to be so severe as I sense that I am just starting to come to grips with the reality that you are truly gone from this life forever.  No amount of pleading or begging can afford me the opportunity to look into your sweet face again here on earth.  In all my desperation, nothing puts you back in my arms, not even for a moment.  We could memorialize you in every way imaginable, but we still won’t have YOU.

I long for YOU Judson.

I cannot help but wonder what gifts you might have wanted on your birthday today, what new interests you might have developed in the last year, how tall you might be, what new song you would be singing, who would be your friends, and the list goes on and on.

But instead, all these things have been frozen in time.

As other little boys move from a love of matchbox cars to a love of Legos, or sports, or board games, your interests will never change and grow.  You remain…the same.  You are fixed in our memories as a little boy who loves McQueen, was around 40 inches tall, enjoyed signing the Itsy Bitsy Spider and B-I-B-L-E, and found Sophia and Jake to be the most delightful friends at church.

And though I grieve not being able to watch you now grow and change, I praise God you are no longer trapped in the pain of this world.  Having been touched so severely by evil, I can only imagine how incredible it is to be in the presence of the pure goodness of your Heavenly Father.  I am so glad you are set free Judson, for it is only in your freedom that I find great hope.

I, too, long to be set free from the pain and suffering of this world, delivered unto abundance of life in heaven with our Creator.  I imagine being able to enjoy you Judson, unhindered by my frailties and brokenness-whole, because of what Jesus has done for me/us.  We can proclaim his glory together!

I know you must be singing regularly to your Savior, just as you did here on earth, but I hope today, that maybe He has been singing to you, lavishing you with the richness of His love, while expressing to you how proud we, your earthly parents, are of you too.

You are loved more deeply than I can express in words.  I miss you somethin’ awful!!!

Mommy

Yesterday was our small, private tree and bench dedication at Wilson Park in honor of Jud.

 

We moved into our home, that sits on the park, at the end of May 2006 and it became our backyard.  Our lives included daily jaunts to the playground and surrounding areas, with sometimes multiple visits in a day. And in the evenings, just before bedtime, when Drake would ask Jud what he was thankful for, Judson’s response almost always included “our park.” 

Judson loved Wilson Park.  In fact, in his short life, I believe it was his favorite place on earth (though the strawberry farm ranked up there too).

Some of my favorite memories of Judson at the park included having him say “wheeeee” when I would push him on the swing, hunting for roly-polys,  pointing out all the helicopters, airplanes, and buses that would pass by, and the way he would stop dead in his tracks to watch and study other kids as they played.  Furthermore, right before the onset of Krabbe, Judson had begun climbing the spiral ladder that lead to the largest slide at the park and I remember the smile that would beam across his face each time he reached the top, showing great pride in his accomplishment.

One specific memory came when we were playing at the “store window” in the sand and he was “selling” me various food items like waffles, bananas, pancakes, yogurt, etc.  He then indicated that I should buy his cereal.  When I asked him what was in it, he responded, “Brewer’s yeast, kelp, flax seed oil, and wheat germ,”-all the additives that I would put in his cereal each morning.  I couldn’t slip anything by him!!!

Judson’s affliction with Krabbe began at the end of May 2007…giving him almost exactly one year of joy at the park.

I grieve deeply that Jud and Jessie never had the opportunity to play together at the park, that Jud never got to ride scooters with his buddy Evan, that he never was big enough to use the “big boy” swing, and that he never had the chance to play soccer at the park with his cousins.

But, I am so grateful to have the tree and bench to honor his memory.

We were so thankful to be surrounded by the family and friends who have journeyed very closely with us this last year. 

When we gathered with family and friends for the tree and bench dedication yesterday, we also had a ½ birthday memorial celebration for Jud.  He would be turning 3 ½ tomorrow-June 24^th.

We had the same Lightening McQueen ice cream cake that was given to him at his Make-a-Wish party and after singing “Happy Birthday,” we released balloons as a gift to him.

All the festivites sweetly honored our boy, but as I watched those balloons climb high into the sky, it brought another level of deep recognition that my boy is gone forever from this life.  Nothing we do, nothing we say, no memorial…absolutely nothing can bring back my boy.

Jud is gone, and part of me is gone with him!