My dear, sweet, beautiful boy,

You would be 3 ½ today if you were still living here on this earth.  This is the day your dad and I had set aside to celebrate your life each year.  But now you are no longer with us, and though we continue to celebrate your life, rejoicing greatly in who you are, it is coupled with mourning your death.

My grief over your absence continues to be so severe as I sense that I am just starting to come to grips with the reality that you are truly gone from this life forever.  No amount of pleading or begging can afford me the opportunity to look into your sweet face again here on earth.  In all my desperation, nothing puts you back in my arms, not even for a moment.  We could memorialize you in every way imaginable, but we still won’t have YOU.

I long for YOU Judson.

I cannot help but wonder what gifts you might have wanted on your birthday today, what new interests you might have developed in the last year, how tall you might be, what new song you would be singing, who would be your friends, and the list goes on and on.

But instead, all these things have been frozen in time.

As other little boys move from a love of matchbox cars to a love of Legos, or sports, or board games, your interests will never change and grow.  You remain…the same.  You are fixed in our memories as a little boy who loves McQueen, was around 40 inches tall, enjoyed signing the Itsy Bitsy Spider and B-I-B-L-E, and found Sophia and Jake to be the most delightful friends at church.

And though I grieve not being able to watch you now grow and change, I praise God you are no longer trapped in the pain of this world.  Having been touched so severely by evil, I can only imagine how incredible it is to be in the presence of the pure goodness of your Heavenly Father.  I am so glad you are set free Judson, for it is only in your freedom that I find great hope.

I, too, long to be set free from the pain and suffering of this world, delivered unto abundance of life in heaven with our Creator.  I imagine being able to enjoy you Judson, unhindered by my frailties and brokenness-whole, because of what Jesus has done for me/us.  We can proclaim his glory together!

I know you must be singing regularly to your Savior, just as you did here on earth, but I hope today, that maybe He has been singing to you, lavishing you with the richness of His love, while expressing to you how proud we, your earthly parents, are of you too.

You are loved more deeply than I can express in words.  I miss you somethin’ awful!!!

Mommy