Dear Jud Bud…

My heart had no concept of the depths of parental love until you entered my life 20 years ago. The day of your birth changed me forever. And the day of your death changed me forever once again.

I remember sitting by your gravesite on your third birthday, the first without you, wondering how I was going to survive each day and especially finding it hard to fathom your 20th or 30th birthday. But here we are. Today marks 20 years since you were born. Happy Birthday, my sweet boy!

There is much joy to recall from that special day, but something that stands out to me right now is when I laid you on the bed in front of me, after they had measured, weighed, and cleaned you, and it was my first real chance to look at you, to gaze upon your face…and your eyes were wide open…wide, wide open. It was so uncommon for a newborn. You weren’t crying. It’s as if you were just soaking it all in.

And by God’s grace your wide open eyes translated to a wide open mind, heart, and voice. I was given this uncommon window into your young soul, your beautiful, beautiful soul. And I soaked it all in. I didn’t even know I’d need to soak it in, but my delight as your mother was so great that I could not help but just drink you in, every little part of you. And little did I know I’d have to draw from that well of your short life for the rest of my life.

But I’m still continually drawing from that well, Juddy. My eyes are wide open to you all the time. All. The. Time. You sit in my mind beneath the surface of every breath; I remember our moments together, I imagine what your life might have been were you here, I imagine your life now, and I imagine how your perspective in eternity might inform my current moments. Your life has completely shaped and reshaped how my eyes are open to the world around me.

I often think about how your eyes are wide open now—in the most figuratively complete way. You know the depths of what I do not yet understand. You know how the tapestry of this knotted mess fits together to create a beautiful story of God’s redemption and love. You know what it means for all your suffering and pain to have been light and momentary. You have seen the face of Jesus and know what it’s like to be in his presence and held by him. Your eyes have been fully opened.

And so I imagine our reunion, the next time I see you, and your eyes are wide, wide open with radiant joy. It is the perfect, complete picture of the moment I first gazed upon your face 20 years ago.

I can’t wait, Judson. I can’t wait!

All my love,
Mama