Dear Jud Bud…

14 years without you. I miss you so much! You and your sister are my greatest joys and my longing for you never wanes.

The other day I was at a dinner party where someone was asked the question, “If you could return to any year of your life and relive it, what year would you choose?”

Though I wasn’t personally being asked the question, I had an answer that came to mind immediately. 

It’s just a small window to which I’d return. It’s not even a full year. There is a sliver of my life that was the highlight, Juddy. I didn’t know it at the time. But I know now that this tiny stint was a climax in my life and a season for which I long. 

I’d push rewind to the day Jessie was born, and I’d delightfully relive every moment until you began to stumble. It was my nine months of heaven where I got to live with both my kids in a life unadulterated by Krabbe disease and death.

It’s not that these months were easy, by any means… I was transitioning to being a mom of two kiddos. I was exhausted with all that comes with having an infant and a toddler, your sister and you being just 19 months apart. I was really struggling with breast feeding your sister. We were strapped financially. And I was longing for friends after having just moved to a new area. 

But those were my months to which I’d rewind and relive over and over and over again. Just ordinary days. But oh what a delight — having you and your sister together and our family whole! Those memories feel complete. 

Once Krabbe Leukodystrophy entered the picture, everything changed. And since losing you,  every breath has felt incomplete. Every family dinner, Every vacation. Every holiday. Every family picture. Every momentous occasion. Every. Thing. Incomplete.

I miss you so much, Judson!

Which begs the question of a fast forward button… my answer, again, comes to mind immediately.

This time it’s a massive window to which I’d fast forward. It’s infinite. The bulk of my existence, will, in fact, be the climax.

I’d push the fast forward button to eternity with Jesus — the time when your dad, Jessie, and I will all be reunited with you by our loving and gracious Father. I’ll experience every moment with sheer joy and delight. It will be true heaven, where your dad and I get to live with our Savior and both our kids in a life unadulterated by Krabbe disease and death.

Complete. Whole. Fully Alive.

But there is no rewind button. And there is no fast forward button. There is only this moment…

And I want to live this moment well — not only in light of my past with you, my precious son, but especially in light of my future to come, with God’s precious Son. 

Just a few more weary days, my beloved boy. Just a few more weary days.

Every ounce of my love,
Mama