This speaks to a prevalent trait in my character—I am not process-oriented, but rather outcome-oriented. Though I am tenaciously driven, sadly, I tend not to take the time to enjoy the course of action required to meet my goals, I just want to experience the outcomes. And though the results may be positive, I miss out on the good that can be discovered along the way.
Judson was much better at appreciating the process than I. I remember when we used to take road trips to Ventura (this 2 hour trip constitutes a road trip for me), he would be extremely excited with anticipation of seeing his Grammy and Papa when we arrived, but he also enjoyed the drive. He would gaze out the window looking for “tanker trucks” and “double-tanker trucks”, pointing out oddly shaped buildings, noting funny things on billboard signs, listening to music, declaring, “That motorcycle was loud!” and chatting up a storm. Meanwhile, my mind was simply intent on “getting there”.
This is a character flaw. Life is process. Birth is the beginning, death is the end, and everything in between is the process of becoming.
I have such a strong desire to “arrive” today. I want to be whole now—not at the end of my lifetime. And what I have most recently come to realize is how much I don’t like the process of grief. Of course I know it is essential to walk through it, but so often, I just want to be at the end…I want to be on the shore with my boy (see “The Rip Tide” from 12/1/2008). Grief is a really, really long, tumultuous road trip; I have a hard time seeing my destination and I’m also finding it difficult to appreciate the journey. Daily I cry out wishing I wasn’t on the road of grief.
With grief and every other aspect of life, if I continue to be so focused on outcomes, I will miss out on important life that can be experienced in the process.
Lord, please help me appreciate each moment without driving headlong through them. Help me be aware of the life you have for me today, instead of only looking ahead. Please help me live fully in my grief.