Dear Judson,

I so often wonder whether you see me now, whether you see how you remain part of our daily lives and conversation, whether you see all the amazing ways you continue to touch people’s hearts, or the little things we do to honor you. 

Today was especially one of those days.  I was shopping, blending, mixing, and baking, all for the purpose of celebrating the blessing of your life in honor of your half birthday…and I was left to wonder what you see, what you hear, what you now know.

Did you see me looking for just the right toy that I thought you might like?  Did you see me blending the bananas and sifting the whole wheat flour, wanting to give you a healthy treat just as I always did before?  Did you see me choosing the absolutely best cupcake from the batch to meticulously frost with extra icing for you? Did you hear Jessie ask if she could wear her “Jud Bud” shirt?  Did you see me cooking one of your favorite meals?  Did you see me set a place for you at the table?  Did you hear Jessie ask to eat the cupcakes outside so that you could hear us?   Did you see my tears—do you see my tears now?

How transparent is the veil between us from your point of view, Juddy?

Because sometimes I feel like I can practically reach out and touch you, feel you, smell you, and hear you.  But most of the time, I feel as though you are a thousand miles away and the curtain between us is especially think, dense, and opaque.

Are you near, Judson?  Do you actually watch over us, as so many say?  Are you peering into our lives and feeling our love?  Do you hear the words I speak and write to you?

Our relationship is full of mysteries to me, but I pray my undying, ever-growing love for you is never a mystery.

Today, I especially celebrate you and the 5 ½ years you have been a fundamental part of my life!  Happy Half Birthday, my little man!  I miss you SO much!!!!!

With My Whole Heart,
Mommy