Judson's Legacy

Weight of a Piano


I woke up this morning and whimpered to Drake, “I’m just not doing well,” a phrase that often escapes my lips.

“I get it.  I know,” he sensitively replied as he usually does.

“But I’ve been saying that for almost three years now,” I sighed.

“I know.  I get it,” he reaffirmed.

Very few now know
the tears still inside me.

Is it even safe to let others in?

People think it’s mostly past.
They think I’m mostly better.
They want me to be better.

I think, I hope, and I pray
that things will be better too.

But the pain floods me.

Things aren’t all better.
My Judson is gone.

How much longer, God?
How long does this last?

–adapted from Finding Hope by Kenneth Haugk

My heart just hurts.  I remain so broken.

I am infinitely weary of my pain, fatigued and drained over constantly carrying the weight of an unalterable ache, compounded with many other aches. Living with the death of my boy is like moving and maneuvering through life with a piano on my back.  I have now become accustomed to its presence, functioning under its weight, but it is arduous and grueling nonetheless.  It’s not that it inhibits laughter or joy, and certainly there are times I am less conscious of its permanence, but the intense load continues to be incredibly cumbersome and restrictive.   And sometimes it feels as though my knees are buckling under the weight of this pain; I still fear it will smash me.

My heart just hurts.   I remain so broken.

Hear my cry, O God
I am feeble and nearly crushed;
I groan in anguish of heart.

I’m on my last legs; I’ve had it—

I lay flat on my face
feeling sorry for myself morning to night.
Forgive me.

All my longings lie open before you, O Lord;
My sighing is not hidden from you.
I want to be faithful.

But my pain is ever with me.

Don’t let it crush me, God;
Please, help me;
I want to again experience
burgeoning hope for this life,
not just the next!

Come, dear Lord, come.

adapted from Psalm 38, NIV and The Message

8 Responses to "Weight of a Piano"

  1. Laurie says:

    I stopped everything I was doing to sit and pray. I pray God hears your prayers and gives you the amazing comfort you need. You are an AMAZING person whom I admire even though we never personally met, I feel I know your inner thoughts and hopes thru your words. There are many moments you have lifted me and my sorrow just by me clicking on "New Blog of Judson". I will continually to pray for you and your family. God so loves you, He will see you through.

  2. Amy Moore says:

    Hey Christina,
    Has I read your blog,tears stream down my face.I can not begin to imagine how it feels to live on without your Beautiful,Extravagant,intelligent little boy.For when I just watch the videos or even look at a photo of Judson,tears automatically just stream down my face,and unlike you,I never had a chance to meet Judson.There is one thing that you should keep in mind,is that you will be reunited with Judson again.I know it seems so long away,but that is one thing to keep in mind.I believe that Judson is always with you and Drake and Jessie,and always will be..May time heal all your wounds..
    Your Friend
    Amy Moore

  3. Barbro says:

    My prayers are with you!
    God knows your pain!
    Matthew 11:28-30

  4. Sweet Christina,
    I’m sorry for your pain. I don’t think anyone who is a parent, would ever expect that you wouldn’t still be in intense pain. You lost a part of yourself, and even though temporary, it feels like an unbearable length of time until you’ll be reunited with your sweet boy. It’s funny how we always use the phrase, life is too short, but when dealing with a loss such as yours, it probably can feel infinitely long.

    I wouldn’t expect anything less then intense pain after having suffered your loss. I will continue to pray that God lifts you up and that the prayers that we are all saying for you are felt and help you get through each day. Each day you make it, is a step closer to your Jud Bud!!

    Lots of love,

  5. Darlene says:

    Christina,Drake,and Jesse:

    Your family is in my heart,thoughts,and prayers. May God hear your prayers and wrap his loving arms around you and give you the comfort you need. Sending my love across the miles.

  6. You might be hurting, you might be crying, you might be worrying and frustrated too, let me encourage you, let me speak life to you,you can depend on God to see you through, and you can depend on me to pray for you..

    I know your pain Christina..its a pain i also struggle with daily..as we grieve and miss our sons, God is using us in a way that only He can to be encouragement and strength to others..there have been many who have endured significantly less than what we have and didn’t make it through to tell their story..I hope your day gets brighter..thinking of you as i often do, and definitely praying for you..

  7. aunt sue says:

    He knows Christy and He is there. He has suffered the same pain and knows exactly how you feel. He alone is our hope, our refuge, our strength. And He will not fail you. He is faithful. Soak in His Presence and let His waves of love wash over you. He cares. "Draw near to Me and I will draw near to you."

    Love, aunt sue

  8. hh says:

    Christina, my heart just aches and hurts for you and tears fill my eyes tonight as I think about the pain you are enduring right now (and have endured pretty much constantly for the past nearly 3 years). And I know Drake is right there with you persevering through this same horrific loss of your precious son. I just want you to know that you continue to come to my mind every single day and I continue to stop and pray for you guys for comfort, strength, and to be carried through this day.
    Love you so much, Heather

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