My regular viewing of videos and pictures of Jud continues, but this evening, as I watched a slideshow of my little man, I felt a twinge; it was a twinge of that which troubles me most.
I pulled up the slideshow and saw the first picture. It was a photo of our family of four, and then it faded out. The second picture appeared. It was a photo of Judson sitting on my lap…that’s when I felt it-a sudden twinge of unfamiliarity.
I erupted in sobs.
At first glance of the picture, it was as though I couldn’t remember what it felt like to hold Jud in my arms.
This is my greatest fear.
I am afraid that over time Judson will become unfamiliar to me. It is not that I am scared I won’t remember him or that my love will diminish (that is impossible!), but I am fearful that the fullness of this boy I bore and loved, and my memories of our life together, will become foreign-remote and almost estranged from me.
I long for Judson to be as tangible to me in 50 years (should I live that long) as the last day I held him. However, I have shuddered in fear at thoughts that this may, in fact, be impossible. Today’s twinge confirmed my fears.
My ever-present, acute pain began to throb uncontrollably.