Judson's Legacy



“We’re all tweaked!”

This phrase could easily be considered my most commonly spoken mantra.  It’s a statement often escaping my lips as a reminder to myself or others that we’re all frail, broken people; no one is without issues, challenges, insecurities, and character blemishes.

Often on the heels of that statement, especially in conversations about parenting, I will add, “And we all tweak our kids…it’s just a question of how we’ll tweak ‘em.”

These statements are not intended to be fatalistic, but rather a reminder that none of us are perfect.  No one is without flaws and therefore no one can parent without flaw.

That said, I have been deeply aware of my inadequacies as a mother recently.  I’ve been observing specific ways my behavior and choices are affecting my Jessie-Girl in ways I would prefer not to see.  Whether it be my tendency toward being an overly-controlling parent, or my too-high expectations for my girl, or my moments of insensitivity, or my struggles with grief, or my unwelcome temper, or…the list could go on and on—I have been noting the shaping consequences of my shortcomings on the precious little lady entrusted to my care. 

It hurts.  It hurts to be broken.  But hurts even more to “break” someone else!

It is one thing to know I will tweak Jessie, but it is quite another to begin to get glimpses of it—to notice the manner by which my deficits unfavorably impact such a beautiful young soul.  Of course, it’s not that my issues don’t affect others too (no question Drake can attest to that!), it’s just that parenting is the most powerfully shaping influence, with incredibly far-reaching implications.

I feel the sobering weight of my role as a mother, coupled with the solemn reality of my tweaked-ness, and it sends me to my knees begging for redemption.  I am desperate for God’s grace to flood my life and saturate my parenting, while equally, if not more-so, desperate for God’s mercy and grace to inundate Jessie’s life.   

A couple days ago I awoke in the middle of the night gripped by thoughts of my little lady, feeling the weight of my disappointments as a parent.  With tears pouring down my face, I got out of bed and went to Jessie’s room.  I watched as her blanket rose and fell with the depth of her breath, then snuggled beside her under her checkered-pink sheets—my arm settling around her waist, feeling her warmth.   In the darkness of her room, as I held my little girl close to me while she slept, deeply aware of my faults, imperfections, and deficiencies as a mother, I found myself pleading with God to parent Jessie—to intervene in the midst of all my inadequacies and somehow shape her with his undying, perfect love.

As I got up to leave, I gave my slumbering girl a soft kiss on her lips.  Her eyes unexpectedly opened and with one glance at me, the most beautiful, sweet, loving smile swept across her face.  She reached her arms around my neck, pulled me in close and whispered, “I love you, mama,” then settled back in to rest.

In that moment, all the parts of me that felt crushed and damaged were bandaged up with the deep love of my girl and the reflections of God’s grace in and through her life.

I am definitely tweaked!  But thank goodness I serve a God who can redeem me out of my tweaked-ness…and redeem my daughter despite my tweaked-ness!

How do you deal with your own tweaked-ness?

Categories: parenting, general life

6 Responses to "Tweaked"

  1. Christina – I have a similar story of one night recently when i curled in close to my own Jesse and then left and kissed her goodnight. Likewise, she opened her eyes and sat up and gave me a sweet hug…this must have been middle of the night. Those are hugs from God through our sweet little loves. Ahhh!

    You are a wonderful mom and you are putting Jessie on a divine path where God will cover her indeed.


  2. Sue says:

    Thank you for this…nice to hear other mothers struggle as well. I have been wrestling with just the fact of how I need to let go

  3. Dawn Mills says:

    I love this, Christina. Not that you are struggling with this..but because I think it is something we all feel at times and you do such a good job of putting it into words. I know you are doing a great job as Jessie’s (and Judson’s)Mama!!!!!
    Love you..

  4. Hi Christina-
    So much of what you’ve shared here resonates with many feelings I’ve encountered as a mom. Becoming a mother has been like a mirror that reflects my faults…but God has not left me in my messes! I’ve been trusting Him to show me how to do this and He has been nothing but faithful!!! He has healed so many wounds, and walked beside me in each and every challenge. He has given me joy in the work of motherhood even as I continue to mess up. He loves our children (and us!!) perfectly, better than we can even try. It doesn’t depend all on me and I think that takes the pressure off myself as long as I am turning to Him to guide me.

    On another note: I have been blessed by a blog, A Holy Experience, and here’s a great post!


    Love and prayers dear friend!

  5. melanie says:

    So true and well stated, Christina. Thank God for His grace! I’m also learning more about the power of healing prayer over generational sin – just one more tool in our arsenal against the enemy who wants to steal, kill, and destroy. May we continue to ask the Lord to parent through our tweaked attempts…

  6. Thank you, ladies, for sharing that you have similar struggles. Parenting can be so hard and it is such a gift to know I am not alone in the challenges!!

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