Judson's Legacy

Torrential Tear-Fall

torrential tear-fall

For several days now, I’ve felt as though I’ve been on the verge of a torrential tear-fall; as if dark ominous clouds have been looming, foreshadowing a downpour. I’ve encountered and engaged circumstances that could collectively add to the possibility of a groundswell, but none of them seem to be the culprit for the hovering clouds. Nonetheless, I’ve felt really down.

I think I just miss my son — a lot! And I’ve been especially sad about it.

Interestingly, I’ve wondered if socially there is still space for me to just miss my son and be sad about that alone.  I’ve found, even in my conversations with loved ones (the truly safe people in my life), that their questions seem to infer, at this stage of our journey of loss, that something else must be triggering my gloominess, something beyond just missing Judson. It as though living without my beloved boy for several years means that missing him couldn’t possibly be the root of my sadness now

But it is. I just miss my Jud Bud!

I realized after the dark clouds had been looming for days that we’ve been on the cusp of the season marking the onset of Jud’s suffering. Today is exactly seven years since our visit to Judson’s pediatrician that catapulted us into a world of suffering. I hadn’t been conscious of the dates, yet even still my soul has been feeling the weight of loss wrapped up in this season. I miss my son. My heart continues to break over his suffering and death. And that alone fills my heart with deep sorrow…even still. That alone.

The intense sorrows of loss can arise at any time…for many years, likely a lifetime. We must remember to graciously give people the space to just miss the ones they’ve lost, no matter how much time has passed.

Post Script
This piece is not written to elicit personal sympathy,
but rather to help people better understand the journey of loss and give a voice to the grieving;
this is a key commitment within the mission of Judson’s Legacy.

11 Responses to "Torrential Tear-Fall"

  1. Denise Spangenberger says:

    Of course you are allowed to feel sad and “just miss” your son, no matter how long ago he left for heaven. I never knew Jud, but when I see pictures of his sweet, smiling face, even I get a lump in my throat and have tears sting my eyes at the enormity of your loss. Perhaps it’s because our Justin is so close in age to Jud when you received his diagnosis. Maybe it’s a reminder of how much we miss Lukeman, even though he was only in our lives for a short season. Either way, I cannot fathom having to deal with the grief you endure. Prayers and hugs for you and Drake.

    • Christina Levasheff says:

      Thanks, Denise. As you stated, these feelings are certainly allowed and expected but it is quite surprising how many people don’t expect it, even those who are close to the grief. Socially navigating grief can be so hard for so many. Your sensitivity is always a blessing.

  2. Robyn Morton says:

    Christina, no sympathy (well…maybe some. I can’t help sharing your pain.) Just as there is no time limit on happy memories, there is no time limit on sorrow and grief. Life is made up of so many different emotions, many of them experienced simultaneously and that can feel overwhelming to you – and perhaps, threatening to others. You will miss Jud for the rest of your life; sometimes fleetingly, sometimes to the degree you feel you are being crushed. Just let it flow over you and let it go. Remember how God shares your pain and draw comfort and strength from Him. Love to all of you. You’re in my prayers everyday. Blessings.

    • Christina Levasheff says:

      Robyn, you are so intimately acquainted with grief and understand there is no time limit, yet, it is surprising how many people don’t understand that reality. I wholeheartedly agree that the mingling of joy and pain is part of the richness of life and only by the grace God can we hold them both together well. Your love and prayers are always a gift! 🙂

  3. Sandra says:

    Thank you for sharing your heart with us honestly. I still think of Judson and the impact he has had in the world. I remember the day I heard from friends that he had gone to be with Jesus. I won’t ever forget it. I can’t imagine that that sorrow ever gets any easier to deal with. So know as you cry for your son, others are still thinking of him, and crying with you.

  4. Linda Swift McDonald says:

    You can cry on my 'virtual' shoulder anytime! Ah, Judson…all so real in the hearts of us that never even met him. I cry for him pretty regularly. Yes, you just cry, if you feel like it. Seasons, scents, sounds…they all trigger emotions and memories. Always thinking of you guys.

  5. You can cry on my ‘virtual’ shoulder anytime! Ah, Judson…all so real in the hearts of us that never even met him. I cry for him pretty regularly. Yes, you just cry, if you feel like it. Seasons, scents, sounds…they all trigger emotions and memories. Always thinking of you guys.

  6. Laurie Swift says:

    You know I think of Judson daily, I proudly display his book in my office, which I work in daily and see that smiling face looking at me. Yep, you miss him forever and that's perfectly normal. He was part of your heart and soul. You birthed him, you watched him die. Not something we as parents ever want to do. So you be sad, sometimes people will contact you in the middle of the night on Facebook privately like I did that one time and little did I know you were up crying with me about him. We do cry for him, we do talk about him, he is is alive here with us too. You know I'm following so many that had that monster of a disease and it just amazes me how beautiful they all are, how God through them gleams something we can see, something we don't understand but it's there. And the bond these children have with their loved ones and how they go on to bring people that never "knew" them to faith and on their knees, and yes, many of tears. I would worry if we stopped crying, that would mean we choose to forget, how can we? No Christina you are so justified in crying for your sweet son. We will keep crying with you. And as Linda said, my sister, we have big virtual shoulders for you anytime, anytime of day. We are still here and fighting with you. Love and hugs. Laurie

  7. I don't know Judson personally but I feel like I do from reading your blog. He is such a sweet gentle little guy. There is no time limit on grieving. My heart breaks for you and your family. I pray for you daily and for the success of Judson's Legacy. You are amazing!!

  8. Rebekah says:

    Christina, as you may remember, my mother-in-law lost her daughter about 25 years ago. She still speaks of her frequently and still misses her. I don’t think a mother can ever stop grieving. Your journey with Jud has taught me so much about the grief process. I feel like I’m a better daughter-in-law because you’ve shown me how to walk with my mother-in-law in her grief. Thank you for continuing to share your experience. You’re a blessing, and so is your son.

  9. Thank you for the gift of your healing honesty.

Share Your Thoughts...

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.