Today, I popped an old CD into my car stereo only to discover that the first song was “I’ll Fly Away”* sung by Jars of Clay. I hit repeat and played it over and over while driving to Fairhaven Memorial Park. Upon my arrival, I parked the car as near to Judson’s gravesite as possible, rolled down the windows, and cranked up the volume. I proceeded to sit by his burial plot with this song playing in the background.
As I listened to the words of this old hymn written in 1929, I realized how divided my heart feels.
On the one hand, I am desperate to be with my Savior and my son. Every cell in my body longs to be set free “like a bird from these prison walls” of pain and sorrow, and find myself on “God’s celestial shore.” In fact, when I “talk” to Jud, I remind him that it will be “just a few more weary days” until we are reunited in the presence of our Lord. I long to be Jud’s mommy again, in heaven.
However, on the other hand, I have a beautiful little girl who I want to pour myself into and love with every ounce of my being. I hope to experience the joys and pains of life with her. I want to watch her develop, and delight in who she becomes. I treasure being Jessie’s mom here on earth.
I am completely torn between two worlds.
Yet, I know I will have the best of both worlds when all who know Jesus “fly away…to a land where joy will never end.”
To a home on God’s celestial shore, I’ll fly away
When the shadows of this life have grown, I’ll fly away
Like a bird from these prison walls, I’ll fly away
I’ll fly away, oh glory, I’ll fly away
When I die, hallelujah by and by, I’ll fly away
Oh how glad and happy when we meet, I’ll fly away
No more cold iron shackles on my feet, I’ll fly away
I’ll fly away, oh glory, I’ll fly away
When I die, hallelujah by and by, I’ll fly away
Just a few more weary days and then, I’ll fly away
To a land where joy will never end, I’ll fly away
I’ll fly away, oh glory, I’ll fly away
When I die, hallellujah by and by, I’ll fly away
* We ended Judson’s memorial service with this song.