Judson's Legacy

Today is That Day


Soon after Judson died I recall calculating out the date when Jessie would be the exact same age as Judson when on November 7, 2007 he breathed his last breath.  At the time, it felt like that grim day was well into the future, and the dread I felt in my heart was still a long distance away.

Today is that day.  Today, July 3, 2009, Jessie is 2 years, 10 months, and 14 days old, the complete number of days Judson lived here on earth.

Why have I shuddered at the thought of this day?  Why has it felt like a looming punch of extra pain?

It seems to symbolize how much our lives must move on without Judson.  After today, Jessie will no longer be younger than him; she will be OLDER than her BIG brother.  It cannot help but feel like he is getting left behind as this world keeps turning without his presence.

Jessie has also served as a sweet trigger for so many of our memories with Jud, but now as we watch her grow and develop beyond him we will be left to simply imagine who he might have been at her age rather than recall who he was.

Furthermore, as time goes on, it is likely that I will see Judson in Jessie less and less.  I have enjoyed noting their similarities and differences in character, personality, and even appearance, but this will begin to diminish.  Though this is probably an important part of Jessie becoming who she is, separate from her brother, it is also something I grieve.

This morning I took Jessie to get a ceramic impression made of her handprint.  The evening before Judson passed away, a woman came to our home and did the same for him—I have held off all this time to get a matching print from Jessie because I wanted them to be the same age.  Now these ceramic memoirs will both hang on our wall representing our two kids at 2 years, 10 months, and 14 days old…


And though Judson’s handprint is indicative of the end of his life, we pray Jessie’s handprint will simply represent a special connection to her brother on a long journey of life.

As I have been looking into Jessie’s eyes today, I have especially grieved the day of Judson’s death.  Sorrow overwhelms me at the my memories of that awful day.  However, I cannot help but also stand in awe that our little lady remains healthy, vibrant, and alive.  The life and death of her brother have shown us that we are not entitled to a single day with her.  We live in amazement and filled with gratitude that Jessie is thriving.  What a gift of joy we have been given in our Bug!  We are so blessed that God has entrusted Jessie Girl to our care and thank him for each and every breath she takes! 

6 Responses to "Today is That Day"

  1. Sarah Jones says:

    thinking of you tons.
    Give that Jessie a GREAT BIG forehead kiss from a stranger in AZ.
    While you’re at it… have her give you one too! 🙂

  2. angie Green says:

    Dear Christina,
    Your journey toward "wholeness" is reflecting God’s amazing promise to us that "He gives beauty for ashes; joy for mourning; praise for the spirit of heaviness…" Isaiah 61:3 Your honesty and transparency through your journey of grief is profoundly compelling – -you honor our Lord and your "Jud Bud" well, and it’s an honor for me to be able to share something of your "story" via your Blog. My heart continues to be turned toward you and Drake and Jessie and my prayers, as well.
    Blessings and Hugs,

  3. Jean and Gary Butler says:

    Christina~You’re so right about God giving you Jessie to care of and give thanks for. What a "gift" she is especially in this time of transformationin your life. Jud would be so happy to see you taking such good care of his Jessie.
    Give that little ladybug a great big kiss from us.
    We love you all so much!!!!!!
    Jean and Gary

  4. Hannah says:

    Christina, I found your site when a friend shared it on Facebook. As a mother of three I am so, so touched by all you have written and shared on your site. I hope your writing, so honest and real, brings you a measure of peace as it brings your readers a reminder to treasure each day with our children and a reminder to pray for you, Drake and Jessie. I can only imagine (or maybe not) what kind of pain you live with every day, and what kind of tender mercies you are coming to know. May the abundance of grace be with you today and every day.

  5. Beatrice C. Parker says:

    Dearest Christina,

    My heart goes out to you on this day especially. No parent should outlive their child, but unfortunately for some of us, that is the path that must be taken.

    You never seem to lose sight of your God (our God) which is good. We are all human though. It is hard for you to go on and you will never be the same, but stay focused on your Jessie, as she will need you for quite some time. God did bless you with motherhood. I feel so sad that Jud has passed from this life, but I always feel that you know that God has his purpose both for you and for each of us. I often think that you will undertake a much greater role that has to do with children, but I am not sure why I feel this way. You are needed here and now – your Jessie is a blessing to you and your son was a blessing to many in his short life.

    I pray that it will not hurt you too much to know that from this point onward there will be no further developmental comparisons, but I know how important motherhood is to you and I am confident that God will bring you great joy through your daughter.

    Take care. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  6. jess says:

    Bless your beautiful soul. Prayers to you as your journey unfolds.

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