I didn’t know.
I just didn’t know how much every cell in my body would yearn to hold Jud after he was gone, even 9 months later. I didn’t recognize how strange it would be to look at pictures of my little man and realize the images no longer connect to my present reality. I didn’t realize how I would continue to frequently dream of stroking his hair and nuzzling his nose, but never have the ability to do so again. I didn’t know how it would seem as though Jud had vaporized into thin air and I’d still be, even 3/4 of a year later, looking around wondering where he went. I didn’t understand how his videos would have an invisible “The End” after every clip with no hope for a sequel (until eternity).
I definitely did not grasp the finality and irreversibility of Judson’s death until his body was laid to rest.
I wish I could have known.
Yet, I’m not sure, even if someone had warned me, I really would have understood…until he was gone.
Now I know.
Your post title caught me and I wondered what you were pondering as "The End." I am so sorry for the finality on this earth of Jud’s passing. How you must long to see him again and hear his laughter. But hold on…that time will come again. Have you been listening to Focus on the Family? Steven Curtis Chapman has been on the last 3 days talking about his daughter’s death. Perhaps it would be an encouragement to you.
Christina- I wrote a special blog. I would love you to read it. http://www.savingjaden.com p.s. Thank you for the idea of email notification. I used your idea. Love to you-Lisa (Jaden’s mommy)
Would knowing ahead of time how it was going to feel once Jud was gone changed anything you did while he was still with you?
This post is yet another great reminder to love those here with us while they are here, to take advantage of the time we have. It’s an even greater reminder that we are to live solely to share the gospel message of redemption through Christ. There are people around us every day who are going to leave this place not to return. How wonderful that you will, indeed, see your son again someday. It is heartbreaking to watch you wait until then. I am continuing to pray for you and Drake.