I didn’t know.
I just didn’t know how much every cell in my body would yearn to hold Jud after he was gone, even 9 months later. I didn’t recognize how strange it would be to look at pictures of my little man and realize the images no longer connect to my present reality. I didn’t realize how I would continue to frequently dream of stroking his hair and nuzzling his nose, but never have the ability to do so again. I didn’t know how it would seem as though Jud had vaporized into thin air and I’d still be, even 3/4 of a year later, looking around wondering where he went. I didn’t understand how his videos would have an invisible “The End” after every clip with no hope for a sequel (until eternity).
I definitely did not grasp the finality and irreversibility of Judson’s death until his body was laid to rest.
I wish I could have known.
Yet, I’m not sure, even if someone had warned me, I really would have understood…until he was gone.
Now I know.