I am a proud person—and I’m not proud of it.
I am realizing more and more just how overly protective I am of my own dignity and highly concerned about external perceptions; I don’t weather a bruised psyche very well.
A few nights ago, I woke out of a fitful sleep, sweaty, my heart racing and my mind plagued. I was stirred awake by my inability to let go of a humbling circumstance that was disproportionately affecting me. In fact, lately I have experienced what I would describe as a multiplicity of circumstances that have tweaked at my ego and poked at my pride.
Truth is, I fall hard with the temptation to be, or appear to be, relevant, competent, put-together, healthy, valid, and the like; when these perceptions are directly or indirectly threatened, I crumble. My pride gets in the way of being submitted in faithfulness to an audience of simply One.
I was awakened to this reality in my own life when someone close to me recently declared, “God is clearly chipping away at your pride.” In hearing her words, I was immediately conscious of the fact that God does not need to chip away at anything if it is not a problem.
My pride is a problem…and I don’t want to be deceived by pride.
Because pride is deception. It is to deceive myself that I somehow hold worth outside of God’s breath on me. It is to wrongly elevate myself when only God is to be exalted. Actually, pride leaves little room for God at all, but a humble heart continually and honestly recognizes that everything points to the praise of God alone.
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. –Proverbs 11:2
Oh dear God, hear my confession. Break down my stubborn pride and allow your grace to flood my heart.
Wow Christina. I would actually respectfully disagree with you. At least in so far as saying that you’re one of the most humble, gracious people I know. Pride, at least in that passage, means to me boastful or egotistical. You are neither! To me, you stand as a beacon of humility –God’s light shines through you and you broadcast it out to others!
While there is validity in your argument that elevating yourself above God would be problematic to say the least, I firmly believe that trying to feel good about yourself and have confidence in who you are is normal and practically the very definition of being human.
I worry that you are judging yourself too greatly…when it is not your job to judge yourself. You are loved and unique and special. Accepting that and even enjoying your unique talents and gifts, that God Himself bestowed upon you and gave to you with a distinct purpose in mind, is truly just appreciating and loving that very thing which God created. In it’s own indirect way, isn’t loving yourself also loving God?
You obviously know more about this subject than I, but I am puzzled. I wish I could hold up a mirror for you, where you could see your image in my eyes: you are strong but modest, humble, kind and accepting. You are, honestly, one of the most amazing people I’ve ever known, and if God does exist, He made you that way for a reason. I think that’s something to be proud of.
I do not mean to say something wrong,but out from your blog at Wednesday I understood that Jessie misses to have siblings.Maybe you should conciderate adopting one or become fosterparents?
Barbro