My dear birthday boy…
I’m blowing my mind that you’d be a teenager today, Juddy. How is it even possible that my little boy who loved singing nursery rhymes, playing with his train set, and driving his Matchbox cars all over the carpet would be turning thirteen today?
But it’s the “would be” that puts a lump in my throat. You would be turning 13. You would be going through puberty. You would be in junior high. But there are so many “would be’s” that are unknown, never to be revealed. I don’t know what you would be interested in. I don’t who would be your friends. I don’t know what would be your personality as a teenager. The unrevealed “would be’s” make the distance between us feel more pronounced over time, because the “would be’s” are constantly moving farther and farther from what was.
But “what was” remains beautiful. What was once my precious, little blonde boy who talked as if he had much to communicate in a short amount of time, is still my beloved child with whom I am incredibly proud. I love you so much, Jud Bud! What was is seared on my heart in such a way that you are part of the fabric of my every breath. What was impacts everything that still is for me.
You, my Mr. Man, aren’t doing the things that I fully expected you’d be doing 13 years after you were born, 13 years after that incredible Christmas Eve when I embraced you for the first time. It hurts. It chronically hurts. But the acute pain makes me continually conscious of the Kingdom where you now reside, of the life of wholeness you now live—the life for which I long. And I constantly dream of the day. I dream of the day I will embrace you again, when the many years that have separated us feel like a blip in light of eternity with our Savior.
But right now I’m living in that blip. I’m living in the blip of our separation and it feels like a really long, hard stretch of time. Yet, I want it to matter. I want it to be a blip of substance and purpose; I want it to be a blip that continues to communicate the message of your short life, a message filled with joy, hope, and peace in the midst of pain. I want the blip to reflect Jesus.
You would be turning thirteen today, Jud Bud, and what was your life here on earth still is a blessing. “I love you twelve!”
With all my heart,
Mommy
You are an incredible human being and we are here to share in your ‘would be’s. The angels that flutter around Judd support us all in this not loss but release in who this great and almighty Savior is. As I cone to know each day, it is on the edge that we get to know Him, that He carves us our as future angels, as He releases us into His heavenly presence freed from all the trivialities in this ‘life’. Be encourage that other ravaged moms out there stand with you as you give us hope in the day to day, the life ahead and the days ‘missed’ according to the natural life. WE ARE WITH YOU, VERY DEAR ONE! We are all smitten by your little Judson! Can you imagine how many people this little guy has touched?? Count me in as I wait on the Lord to unleash himself in my son’s life.
Love you and am deeply moved by these well written, deeply authentic and clearly pain-filled yet Hope-secured words from your mother’s heart.❤️I was instantly in communion with your description… missing a son… and the “would be’s”… wow! Descriptively accurate grief-journey…you lift the heaviness with your unselfish sharing. I love and admire you, intensely!
Judson would be like his mommy and daddy. Strong, loving and compassionate individuals. Who will once again glance upon that loving tiny face.
Dear Christine, I cried for more than an hour after watching your story. And I cried not only because im sad that Jud is a bit far away from you. Its also because im ashamed of my own self. What and what God has done and i used to complain about every tiny little worry about my life. I asked for forgiveness from him after watching your video. I will never complain about anything in life hereafter. Not till the last day of my life on this earth. Instead Im going to praise and thank God for all his goodness. I’m sure that when you meet Jud again, he is going to clear all your would be’s and you will have to spend hours and hours listening to him.
May God Bless You all..
Dear Christine, as I was watching you both parents’ testimony I couldn’t stop my tears flowing. After reading your blog, I am speechless. Seeing our own child in suffering is terribly difficult. Only by God’s grace we can survive.
Thank you for sharing your pain, your experience, your thoughts, your journey, your faith…
God Bless You. May the holy spirit be with you.
Another year has gone since my family and
I were blessed with opportunity to get to know little Judson and even though we never physically met him it feels as if though we did. He part of my family. He travels with me and my girls each day. His beautiful little smiling face shines upon my windshield.He and your family are in our prayers. I am certain that you will once again kiss and hug him. God bless you and your family and thank you.