Judson's Legacy

Suffocating Lump


I was never an especially sentimental person.  I was apt to note value in that which connected me to the past, but my emotions were never particularly affected by nostalgia…  

…until I lost my son.

Since then, it feels as though I live in a perpetual state of sentiment.  Meanwhile, packing for our move has surfaced even more emotion, accentuating my tenderness. 

The sensation that occurs in my body as memories are triggered by the boxing up, selling, or discarding of even the simplest things has become very familiar.  Yesterday, I came across an old, almost-empty bottle of Goat’s Rue, an herbal remedy for increasing milk supply when breastfeeding, and suddenly my nostrils began to flare with a burning tingle, tears surfaced in the corners of my eyes, and the thumps of my heart intensified.  I was abruptly deluged with memories of trying to breastfeed my Jud Bud and all the challenges we faced.  Strangely, I hadn’t even taken Goat’s Rue when Jud was a baby—I used it with Jess—but that was irrelevant to my nostalgic heart.

Today, I watched as the Red Ryder wagon Judson received on his first birthday, the wagon that used to carry my two kiddos, was packed into the trunk of a stranger’s minivan and hauled away to be used by other young children.  The new owner seemed a little perplexed and even a bit uncomfortable as Jessie and I lingered, watching them pack up and drive away while we waved, tears filling my eyes.

A new chapter is coming.  And although I find myself hopeful for this new chapter, the lump in my throat seems almost suffocating as the final paragraphs of this chapter are being written.

Are you a sentimental person? If so, have you always been?

Categories: grief, pain, Judson

3 Responses to "Suffocating Lump"

  1. Darlene says:


    I noticed that when I’m moving or even just doing simple spring and fall cleaning I tend to come across things that once belonged to someone who was and always will be a special part of my life. So I can completely understand you and where your coming from when it comes to precious Judson and his personal belongings. Letting go of the smallest things of theirs can bring on that lump in our throats. Especially when it comes to terms of what we wish to still keep and what we must let go of. Just remember tho the memories that we have instilled in our hearts of our loved ones is something no one can ever take away from us. Wishing you the best always as to prepare to make your move into your new home.

    God Bless,

  2. Karise says:

    Yes, I’m definitely sentimental. I think I’ve always been somewhat so, but that’s absolutely increased since becoming a mother.

    I cried reading about you waving good-bye Jud’s Red Ryder wagon.

    What a crazy chapter you’re in. I admire and am touched by how present you seem to be through it, and letting yourself feel what comes up.

  3. Dorci says:

    Just like my dad was, I’ve always been a thinker and very much a sentimentalist. I have a son who is soon to be 22 and although he still lives at home for the time being, I can feel him emotionally pulling away and trying to find his way to being his own man. Since just before he was to graduate from high school, I thought it would be cool to give him as a graduation gift a scrapbook filled with pictures of himself with family and friends as he grew up. I still haven’t been able to bring myself to do it. Dragging out all those old pictures and remembering those days will be draining, and besides, I’ve had enough to deal with since his senior year. I just couldn’t take any more. It’s been on my mind, though, that the day is coming soon when he’ll be done with school and he’ll be on his way. I’d like to get the scrapbook done to give him when he moves out. I just don’t know if I can bring myself to do it. With God, I guess I can. Love, Dorci

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