Judson's Legacy


It has been almost 9 months since Judson died; the amount of time he has been gone equals about one quarter of the time he lived.  Yet, I continue to experience profound shock over his loss.  I am aware that the stages of grief are not linear, but surprised to keep finding myself stunned and baffled that my boy is truly gone, for good.

In my deepest, subconscious places, I still dream of Judson somehow ending up in my arms again this side of heaven.  Though this is a completely irrational thought, to ponder the alternative continues to overwhelm me with unbearable emotion.  It’s not that I’m in denial; it’s that my mind and heart can only handle the sobering realities in small doses.

I have heard from a number of relevant sources that part of healthy grieving requires “letting go.”*  Every time I hear this concept, my palms get sweaty, my eyes pool with tears, and my heart races.  And though they also remind me that it has not been that long since Jud died, and I’m clearly not ready to release my Sweet Man, even the idea of “letting go” sends me into a panic.

I feel so inept at this thing called grief…

How will I ever “let go” of Jud if I can’t even swallow the concept?  And how do I release him if I’m still just trying to work through the shock that he’s actually gone?

This is such a difficult journey!

May the grace of my Lord, seasoned with the passing of time, mend my broken life.

*In this context, “letting go” is simply indicative of the fact that I still need to accept that Judson is actually gone.

4 Responses to "Stunned"

  1. Kristy Harrang says:

    You do such a great job of describing your emotions and thoughts as you journey through this. Yet no words can ever fully convey the experiential reality of where you are at. Letting go…I realize I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you must feel at the mere thought. My heart aches for you as I read this blog Christina. I am so sorry. You remain in my thoughts and prayers.

  2. Robyn says:

    Christina, My prayers continue to be with you as you find your way through this dark forest of grief. "Letting go"–such an easy-sounding phrase for accepting the impossible, the unthinkable. I hold you close to my heart. Blessings.

  3. janet says:

    just finished reading a book "9 days in heaven" (has a part re children in heaven)and thinking it might be interesting/helpful. God bless you and family. janet

  4. janet says:

    here’s more info re the book

    Certified Secure SiteNine Days in Heaven: The Vision of Marietta Davis (Paperback)
    Prince, Dennis (Author)
    and Prince, Nolene (Author)
    Marietta Davis fell into a trance at age twenty-five that lasted nine days. She experienced a vision that made her a legend. When she finally regained consciousness she described with extraordinary graphic detail scenes of how angels had conducted her spirit to heaven and hell. Marietta made it clear that her vision was given for her to tell the world so people could prepare for the afterlife. This new modern English rewrite of Scenes Beyond the Grave is an attempt to recapture the original story in a more readable text. Supporting testimonials of the original publisher, family, and others appear close to their original form at the end of the book.
    SKU:9781599790022 SKU10:1599790025
    Qty Remaining Online:170 Date Published:Aug 2006
    Pages:160 Language:English
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