It has been almost 9 months since Judson died; the amount of time he has been gone equals about one quarter of the time he lived. Yet, I continue to experience profound shock over his loss. I am aware that the stages of grief are not linear, but surprised to keep finding myself stunned and baffled that my boy is truly gone, for good.
In my deepest, subconscious places, I still dream of Judson somehow ending up in my arms again this side of heaven. Though this is a completely irrational thought, to ponder the alternative continues to overwhelm me with unbearable emotion. It’s not that I’m in denial; it’s that my mind and heart can only handle the sobering realities in small doses.
I have heard from a number of relevant sources that part of healthy grieving requires “letting go.”* Every time I hear this concept, my palms get sweaty, my eyes pool with tears, and my heart races. And though they also remind me that it has not been that long since Jud died, and I’m clearly not ready to release my Sweet Man, even the idea of “letting go” sends me into a panic.
I feel so inept at this thing called grief…
How will I ever “let go” of Jud if I can’t even swallow the concept? And how do I release him if I’m still just trying to work through the shock that he’s actually gone?
This is such a difficult journey!
May the grace of my Lord, seasoned with the passing of time, mend my broken life.
*In this context, “letting go” is simply indicative of the fact that I still need to accept that Judson is actually gone.