Dear Jud,

It has been just over 14 weeks since you died and I fear you slipping away from me.  Strangely, I am afraid of not having this searing pain; I have come to equate my pain with my love for you, and you are worth every bit of sorrow.  However, as time progresses, I am having moments in which the pain does not feel as intense.  These moments terrify me.  When I don’t feel the ache, it is as though the expanse between us is increasing; the pain brings you near…

I want you near.

I long to see your face, feel your warmth, and hear your voice.  I watch the videos of you again and again, but that is all they are-videos-a shadow of you-a memory that replays over and over.  I yearn for YOU!

I never imagined that I would be afraid of healing, but I am.  Healing seems to require that I slowly let go of you and the life I envisioned with you, while it lengthens the gap between us.  I don’t want to heal from the pain if it means that you are not constantly near in my thoughts and heart. 

Though I haven’t wanted it to, I recognize that life must go on without you.  Every morning I cry out to God, “How do I walk this path?  How do I live without my boy?”  But every night, I lay my head on the pillow having made it through another day.  As I close my eyes, there is hope when I consider how each passing 24 hours brings me closer to my reunion with you. 

But…what if I wake up one morning, and I have begun to learn how to walk this path without you?  What happens when the pain begins to dissipate?  What will healing mean for our relationship?  Will letting go of you bring greater distance between us?

Please don’t ever slip away from me Judson!  I want you near.

Longing for you,
Mommy