Judson's Legacy

Sinking Feeling


It was just over three years ago when I first experienced that horrible sinking feeling of fright as a parent. 

Judson was about 14 months old and in his bedroom doing “alone time”, in what I believed to be a baby-proofed room.  As I sat at our computer in the living room innocently checking my email, I suddenly heard a huge crash reverberate from the nursery and then piercing screams of pain echoing through our home.  My heart dropped.  I couldn’t jump fast enough from the couch to rescue my boy, all the while desperately afraid of what horrific scene I was about to behold.

As I raced down the hall I could see my boy pinned under a white free-standing shelf.  Mortified and scared, I scurried over to rescue him and discovered there was blood streaming from the corner of his eye and it was beginning to swell.

I swept him up into my arms and he began to calm, but I was hysterical.  My heartache and fears were running rampant as I cradled him, trying to figure out my next move.

About half an hour later my Jud Bud was protectively nestled in my arms in the Emergency Room at the hospital.  Some of my worries were beginning to abate but I was heartbroken over Jud’s pain which was very apparent in his now black eye.

As we sat quietly together on the sterile gurney waiting for the doctor to arrive, I began pondering how this scenario would likely be one of many experiences of fright and heartache connected to my precious child; parenthood, as I imagined it, made one vulnerable to that sinking feeling again and again.

Little did I know that less than two years later that sinking feeling, tied to my love and protection of Jud, would actually manifest into a drowning experience and then cease altogether when my sweet man passed away.  I now see that sinking feeling as a parental privilege connected to the care of living and active children.  And strangely, I miss that I can no longer feel it with my beloved boy anymore; instead, I’m left completely submerged in the heartache dreaded by every parent when they have that sinking feeling.

2 Responses to "Sinking Feeling"

  1. Rebekah says:

    Oh Christina…

    As a self-described "paranoid parent" I know that feeling all too well… the overwhelming concern over kids’ hurts, and the worry over what MIGHT happen.

    I never realized it was a privilege. You’re so right. All of that worry and heartache is part of the blessing of having my child here with me.

    You’re living every parent’s nightmare- as you said, exactly what we all fear when those little childhood injuries happen. How I wish it could be different!!

  2. Jean and Gary Butler says:

    Oh Christina~Love your heart!!! Our heart breaks for the pain you are in. My Dawn (who is now 34)was in two car accidents in her teens.I can remember racing to our local ER after I got the call that every parent dreads getting. Our outcome was so very different than yours.One thing you can be sure of is
    that you are one WONDERFUL mother!!!
    We just love you so~
    Jean and Gary

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