Judson's Legacy

Shaken Faith

It is not uncommon for people to ask why our faith has not been shaken by this experience with Jud.

I probably stammer slightly in response to this question because it feels so completely contrary to my experience; though our faith may not have been dislodged, it has been so incredibly rattled, spun and joggled that I often feel as though I am spiritually dizzy—most of the time not knowing which way is up or down, what direction to turn, or how to keep from stumbling.

To put it bluntly, I flat out do not understand this God I serve, this God I know.  His ways are not only unfathomable to me, they have profoundly hurt me.

So in some of my raw, frustrated moments this leads me to question so much of what I believe, wondering, “Am I just fooling myself?  Does God really exist?  Is this whole Christianity thing a crock?  Is there life after death?  Does God actually intervene in this world?  What’s the point of all of this?”

Other times it feels like God callously puts his plans into motion without regard for our feelings.  Then there are moments when I feel compelled to throw in the towel and give up trying to live as a disciple of Christ; I admit to having inclinations toward shrinking back from the Gospel altogether.

But, these notions are short-lived…


The questioning always seems to lead me toward greater confidence and dependence on the One I am struggling to understand, my Heavenly Father.  It is as if he gives me the freedom to wrestle, challenge and grapple, but then gently directs my heart toward his irrefutable presence in my life.

It is not as though I feel inclined in such moments to flush out the apologetic arguments for the existence of God, the tenets of Christianity, the rationale for life after death, so on and so forth.  It is more that the very core of my being is irresistibly compelled to trust when I ponder this life.  In my attempts to abolish these convictions, God’s grace and truth become inescapable to me.  My mind is imprinted with his undeniable handiwork—awe-inspiring nature, people and experiences that display his creativity and beauty…including my special little boy.

And strangely, my understanding of God’s plans are not suddenly and newly illuminated, but rather, my eyes are directed toward my Savior and I discover he alone is steady and stable enough to help me regain my balance.  So in my shaken faith my eyes become inexplicably fixed on Jesus.  He is the constant that is unarguably the author and perfecter of my faith (Hebrews 12:2).

9 Responses to "Shaken Faith"

  1. Audrey Lacanienta says:

    Hi Christina,
    I’ve read all your blogs, hurt with you (though I couldn’t possibly understand having not gone through what you have)… I am always left with something important.
    This particular "Shaken Faith" struck me, so much so, that I had to respond.
    Amazingly honest… in your feelings, in the processing, in connecting to our faith. I truly resonate with what you’re saying.
    Thank you for sharing every time that you do.
    You truly minister in your grief and in your beautiful memories of Jud.

  2. 62839 says:

    As I read Audrey’s response, it is almost exactly what I was going to say.
    I know my first reaction when I hear someone say their "faith was shaken" I think…"don’t be shaken, stand firm" or other such things. But the truth, as you so eloquently put it, is that Jesus is our Foundation–He cannot be shaken. We, on the other hand…
    I spent hours tonight debating the principles and foundation of my faith–of my "belief"– with a friend who believes in enlightenment, ZEN, all that…
    In the end, and through some of my own struggles (minor and incomparable to your grief), I take such strength, hope, and peace knowing that my foundation is built on Him. We can’t always understand His ways…they may seem cruel and unjust…but He grieves with us. He knows our pain and longs for us!!
    I hurt for you so much, but I thank God that you have the courage and conviction to share your message with us.
    Thank you for ministering to me by sharing your heart.
    In Christ,
    Alisa <><

  3. Dawn Mills says:

    That question is one I get often too. I always respond that there simply is no other way we would still be putting one foot in front of the other if it were not for someone much greater than us walking with us each step of the way. I still do not understand His ways. Just this morning as I lay in bed, I was thinking of the "good" things that have came out of Makinley’s death…a stronger faith being one of them…but never will her death or Judson’s be considered a good thing in my mind. It is so hard to understand. But, I’m not sure we are supposed to understand…this side of heaven anyway. I think our minds are so closed and we are selfish….in comparison to what will one day be revealed to us. Thank you, as always, for sharing your most intimate feelings and thoughts with us.
    God Bless
    Dawn Mills

  4. Katy says:

    Thank you for that. XOXO! Katy

  5. Melissa Boice says:

    I got an e-mail from a friend one time when I was feeling at my lowest and it said "I would rather live my life as if God exists and die to find out He doesn’t, than to live as if He doesn’t exist than to die and find out He does". It made perfect sense to me. May our Lord and Savior bless you and give you peace thru this

  6. debbie mceachern says:

    Thank you for writing that. I needed to hear that message today 🙂

  7. 46434 says:

    Your faith has been tested, and still it grows.
    I know that I’ve thought,"I’m NOT JOB, Lord! Why me?"

    His answer, I think, is, "Because I love you and want to hold you close."

  8. Jean and Gary Butler says:

    Oh Christina~
    Gary’s mom is 91 and lives in a nursing home back in Illinois.When we were talking to her yesterday, something came up and we talked to her about "that’s where our faith comes in". It’s pretty easy to say that to someone;but when it comes to our lifes….we find out how hard it really is to keep our faith.I guess we just TRY to be like Job and leave the rest to God. We so love you our friend and ALWAYS will. Love and hugs~
    Jean and Gary

  9. Bless you, Christina. Your honesty makes me feel even more hopeful. Thank God that He understands our minds; our emotions. It must break His heart to see us hurt. But He sees the MUCH bigger picture. I know Judson was born, and born to you particularly, to teach. I lose my breath when I think of Judson, so so young, quoting God’s Word; comforting; teaching, assuring. His words were straight from God! He was sent here on a mission. And you are carrying on that mission. I hope you know how much you mean to me and so many others. And btw, I LOVE Judson!

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