I don’t know what emotions most parents experience on the first night of transitioning their child to a “big kid” bed, but ours was wrought with anguish this evening.

It feels like ages ago that our home was filled with the life and energy of two healthy kiddos, while the milestones of each child were met with tremendous excitement and joy in celebration of their development.  However, since losing Jud, each new milestone for Jessie has been filled with grief.  Whether it be remembering when Judson met the same milestone, or imagining Jud sharing alongside us in the excitement, or giving to our girl things that were once her brother’s,  Jessie’s transitions over the last year have been bittersweet.

Tonight was no exception.

After Jessie picked out special “girly” sheets and a pretty flower pillow this afternoon, I spent some time this evening rearranging the furniture in her room, putting the sheets on her “big girl” bed and getting it ready for her transition.  But my heart broke as I smelled the mattress pad that had covered Jud’s bed.  Tears fell when I pulled out the guard rail that had once protected Jud from falling out of bed.  And the emotion flowed as I adorned her bed with pink, remembering when I had first prepared the same bed with Lightening McQueen.

Fortunately, Jessie had no reason not to be absolutely thrilled with her new digs.  She jumped right up on her “big girl” bed and grinned from ear to ear.  We observed wonder and enthusiasm exuding from her.

Later, we proceeded to share with Jessie a little bit about the time when she and Jud slept in the same room and how he slept in that same bed.  We described how he would talk to her and comfort her when she was crying.  Jessie smiled.  Then a few moments later she announced, “Judson…he is going to sleep with me in my big girl bed,” as she patted her pink polka dot sheets, “when he gets a little bit bigger!”

Oh, how I wish that were true!!