Judson's Legacy

Real Home


Though many details have yet to be worked out, a move is imminent for us.  So we have decided to start the packing process, filling a box here or there each day.  We hope this will reduce the mad rush right before a moving date when piles of belongings get frantically and unsystematically stuffed into cardboard cubes for transport.

This weekend, when Jessie and Drake were out, I decided to start boxing up some items in our kitchen, the room that feels most daunting to me in the packing process.  As I carefully began wrapping my grandmother’s fine china in tissue, I was suddenly hit with a torrent of memories from the last time we moved, when our journey of settling into this home had begun. 

I remembered all the anticipation in my heart for our life to come; it felt as though the world was before us as we moved into this home – Jud was 17 months old and his personality was flourishing, our family was expanding with a precious little baby growing inside me, we were moving into a great new home, Drake was pleased with his job, we had a beautiful park in our front yard and we were going to be living just a couple miles from the beach.  Though there was exhaustion over the move, it was coupled with great hope for all that was to come.

But I also was vividly recalling the prayers that had been on my heart five years ago when I had been unpacking my grandma’s china.  I was specifically nervous about our stairs.  We live in a tri-level home (four levels if you include our garage), so there are stairs everywhere and the handrails had been removed by our landlord.  Judson was young — a steady walker, but not a pro-climber — and I was concerned about his safety.  I kept having pictures in my mind of Jud tumbling down the hardwood stairs and getting seriously injured.

So I prayed through my fears as I unpacked, “Oh dear God, please protect my Juddy.  Please keep him safe in this home and free from injury!”  Over and over I spoke this request to God and expressed all the concerns racing through my head.  I had no idea that the stairs would be the least of his challenges.

As these memories were flooding my mind, I collapsed on our kitchen floor in a heap.  My boy is dead.  I begged God to protect my little man and now he is dead.  I am leaving this home without him and much of the life that was before me now feels like it is behind me.  My sorrow was slashed open with the packing of my first box. 

But as I was bawling prostrate on the floor, another thought began to echo in my mind.  Judson is home. This was not his home. Judson is home.

It hit me!  This place is not my home either, nor is the place into which we will  move.  I have many more boxes to pack, and they will likely tear deeply at my wounds, but I am dreaming of the home being kept in heaven for me (1 Peter 1)…that is my real home! 

Juddy is home and I look forward to the day when I am home too.

What keeps you from being too tied to your earthly home?

Categories: Pain, Grief, Judson, Hope

11 Responses to "Real Home"

  1. Barbro says:

    Do I ever understand how you feel….This house has so many memories for you,memories of both of your beautiful children,1 in heaven and 1 here among us.But like you say:This home was not Judsons real home.He is home now where he is!

  2. Darlene says:

    Sending my love and hugs your way.

  3. NameSandy says:

    I’m sorry for the pain you feel as you pack and unpacked. I will be praying it won’t be as hard as expected. I guess, from helping the elderly and also not being able to clean as I once did, that the "stuff" I wanted to make my home beautiful is the "stuff" I want to get rid of now. Seeing everyone "down size" or seeing how we end up in some assisted living or retirement home or even a nursing home. Our "stuff" ends up consisting of a few drawers and the tiniest closet. We can’t take any of it to our "heavenly home." I try now to collect things that can go be stored in Heaven. Matthew 6:19

  4. Robyn Morton says:

    Christina, holding you close in prayer. Packing and moving are stressful, no matter the reason and when you are leaving a place where you have known great joy and great sorrow, is even more stressful. The wonderful thing is that you don’t have to pack a box with your memories, they are carefully packed away in your heart, ready to be taken out and relived. Perhaps this move is a little (?) nudge from God that it is time for you to begin another path in your life’s journey, making new memories in a place that is not filled with sad memories. Don’t be afraid that you will be leaving Jud behind, he is ahead of you, already waiting to welcome you to your new home. He will be happy for you as you make new memories and new traditions in your new house. Those things that are most precious to us are never lost to us; we may not be able to see them, touch them or smell them anymore, but they are always with us. Love and blessings, Robyn

  5. I can’t wait to go "home" to!!!!It’s so exciting just thinking about it. I can’t wait to hold Jud….love his heart.
    Love you all so much!!!!!!
    Jean and Gary

  6. In response to your question:

    What keeps me from being too tied to my earthly home is to purposefully keep my mind on heaven. I don’t want our house/stuff/material blessings to own me so much that I start to believe I cannot live any other way…so I always imagine what I would keep if we had to move overseas. That brings a lot of clarity and openess to not being bound to our place in life or our things-all our stuff is His anyways! I need to be able to let stuff go! But my favorite daydreams are about heaven- the endless presence of God and all who will be there! One-on-ones with all the saints! My longings will cease and I will be home.

    I "keep" people with an open hand-terribly difficult when it comes to my husband and children though. I start to get anxious when I think- what if I can’t have them in my life anymore? Then I have to tell myself that God will be just as much with me then as He is now. And I try to enjoy the gift of their presence as much as possible today.

    okay that was really long! 🙂

  7. Dawn Mills says:

    Oh, Christina…this post has me in tears..as does the song "Temporary Home" by Carrie Underwood every time I hear it..or "Home Sick" by Mercy Me. You will be in my prayers as you make this transition from one earthly home to another…and as we look forward to our eternal home.
    Much love…

  8. Freya Remmer says:

    Hi Christina,

    I was thinking about you yesterday… I often think of you.

    Interestingly, I was discussing this subject with a friend yesterday too. I, too, was crying yesterday because of the pain in my heart regarding my little boy and all that he’s going to have to face in this life… I have just been overwhelmed at times with all the pain that this life can throw at us.

    My tears yesterday were triggered by comparison… What keeps me holding to tightly to this world is the "futility of my mind" to quote Paul. I have such a struggle with comparing my life to the lives of others. Yesterday, I was even comparing my life with the life of an unbeliever. My friend encouraged me with the same encouragement that the Lord spoke to you… this is not our home- not our focus. She said something like, "The way we stay sane in this world full of pain is by keeping our focus on eternity".

  9. Deb McE says:

    Christina, I think you and I are alike in that we hold onto things with meaning. My whole house is furnished with hand me down furniture from my family. I love it because of the memories associated with the pieces. I think a practical thing you could do is take lots of pictures of your home before you pack any more and make a scapbook just about Jud’s home on earth. Fill it with pictures and blogs. That way you can take it with you 🙂 My eyes got lifted to Heaven when Benji passed. I now gobble up stories about Heaven. I am rereading the Narnia books. I find that there is a little glimpse of Heaven in all of them. Jesse would love to hear them if you haven’t already read them to her. It’s okay to shed tears when you pack. Somebody told me recently that if you look at tears under a microscope that they are in the shape of a cross. I don’t know if that is true, but I like the thought.

  10. Thank you reading my hurts, seeing into my pains, understanding and caring. Jean: Oh what glory awaits, amen! Mary Margaret: I love that you answered my question and I am challenged by your response. It is SO easy to get tied to things/stuff…as you said, I want the perspective that can easily release such things! Dawn: your words are so meaningful to me since I know you know this pain…I listened to both those songs. They really got to me and as you said are so fitting! Thank you for sharing. Freya: Oh, I hear ya sister…comparison is often a cancer for me…but it is so hard to fight against it. I love your friends words. Debbie: Your idea is great and something Drake and I were recently discussing. I am also grateful for your understanding as one who has walked this path. Sending love back to all of you. Thanks for commenting!!!

  11. What a beautiful post. I am praying for your family. Someday I will also (prayerfully) get to meet this little angel. Judson. New memories at the new home combined with old memories will make this home grand. Be Blessed

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