A year ago today marks my first day of skyrocketing fear for Judson’s well-being (see Altered Forever).

Strangely, at the time, I did not fear for Judson’s life-that thought didn’t really even cross my mind; it was devastating enough just to imagine Jud might have a long-term disability.

Here is my journal entry from June 11, 2007, exactly one year ago:

Dear Father,

I am so concerned about Jud…he is almost to the point where he can hardly walk and there might be something wrong with his eyesight.  I don’t want my mind to go crazy, but it is hard to keep from worrying about potentially chronic ailments.  It breaks my heart to think of him dealing with a disability all his life.  I can hardly bear it!!

Please, please, please God heal him.  Please enable him to be even more physically adept after going through this, whatever it may be.

In the meantime, please grant me patience and wisdom.  I ask You to show me how I can best meet Jud’s needs right now.

Jesus, will you also expand my faith and love for you during this time?

My recollection of this day brings an intense ache, particularly as I now know what was coming around the bend.  I have some very specific memories, but the overarching feeling on June 11th last year was one of panic. 

Panic is, in and of itself awful, but it is beyond excruciating when that which is feared turns out to be worse than you even imagined!