Though probably common in grief, I have found in the last couple weeks that I am holding on more tightly to everyone/everything that brings love and joy in my life. I’ve caught myself pleading with God that he will now make us immune to any more pain-even bargaining with Him, trying to make a case that our pain in the last 8 months is a full life’s worth of heartache and I don’t want anymore.
I look particularly at Drake, Jessie, my parents, and our financial situation and beg God not to allow hardship or loss in any of these areas.
I am holding on tightly, more tightly than ever before.
Ironically, one of the things I believe the Lord was teaching me through Judson’s suffering was to hold my boy with an open hand. I needed to release him unto the One who had given us this incredible gift in the first place. God called us to surrender our boy, and I have since tasted his faithfulness, grace, and love through the process.
However, Judson is just one area where God has called me to surrender. He wants me to hold EVERYTHING with an open hand. He wants me to release EVERYTHING unto the One who has actually given me all these blessings. God is calling me to a life of complete relinquishment. Yet, even though I have tasted His goodness, I find I am still holding back.
I am desperately afraid of more loss, more pain, more wounds. I don’t know how to lay my life, everyone I love, and everything that is valuable to me on the altar…
But I want to.
Besides, none of it is really mine in the first place.