The following post is a vulnerable prayer, with honest reflections and questions intended to be read like a Psalm of David.
I stare at a life of years consumed by loss.
For what purpose?
You are God, and Your ways beyond my comprehension, but I long for understanding.
I have poured out my life before You;
I am Yours, but You feel hidden.
I remain confined to this body, full of selfish longing, drawn to the things of earth, and scarred by the pains of living.
You live in heaven, no longer touched by evil.
Have You compassion on Your people still bound to this world?
Have You compassion on me in my shortcomings?
I have sought You. I have set out to honor You. Have mercy, O God!
I need hope for this lifetime, not just the next.
Hear my cries, O Lord.
Shine Your face upon me.
Tell the enemy to retreat; keep him at bay.
Let not despair consume me, nor anguish devour my soul.
Show Your face to me, dear God; even if just a glimpse.
I want to be used by You.
But is there something more than what I see?
Let it be, dear God, let it be!
For what I see feels empty.
The pain is too great!
Yet, is there anything that could actually give worth to the agony?
Others may see the value in my sorrow, but will I?
Am I crazy to trust in You?
Sometimes it feels foolish to believe in You.
Do You really exist?
Are my beliefs merely a product of religious propaganda, familial influence, or habitual practice?
And yet, You alone give meaning to the pain.
Nothing else makes sense.
Everything else is fleeting.
Only You give Hope.
Keep my eyes from darkness.
May I never live in ignorance—remove the blinders!
Let me taste of Your goodness.
For I know the sweetness of heaven awaits me.
But let me live in the beauty of Your kingdom here on earth.
O Maker of Heaven and Earth, I bow before You, resolute to follow.
Please come and touch my life anew.