Judson's Legacy

My Imagination


Dear Judson,

I miss you.  I miss you every day.  I miss you every day, but there are certain days that feel particularly like torture living without you.  While most moms are elated at the thought of celebrating Mother’s Day as all their children shower them with appreciation for what they have done and do, I feel the piercing, bitter pain of living without you, the boy who made me a mom.

Of course, I absolutely delight in your sister—gratitude pours from my heart with every moment we share.  She is such a lovely little lady, and like you, gives me the gift of being “mom”.  But every thought connected to the joy of mothering Jessie cannot help but be intimately tied up in the anguish of no longer being able to mother you.

This ongoing separation kills me.

I imagine what tomorrow would be like if you were still here…

You and Jessie might come bounding from your room together, bounce on my bed shouting “Happy Mother’s Day,” and then you would likely shower with me kisses while your sister would play hard-to-get.  Instead, it will only be Jessie tomorrow playing hard-to-get.  I miss your kisses.

When we go to church and all the kids are making their moms cute little craft projects expressing their affection, I will be handed one beautiful gift instead of two.  I’ll miss not getting the one you might have meticulously made for me.

In fact, how does a four-year-old boy show love to his mom on Mother’s Day?  I’m actually not really sure, but I wish you were here so that I could find out tomorrow.

Instead, I am left with my imagination.  And my imagination leads me to pain.  Because that’s all it is—my imagination!  I can only imagine you.  I cannot see, hear, touch, or smell you as a four year old boy.  Not only do I not have the privilege of knowing who you would now be here on earth, I also don’t know who you are in heaven.

And to tell you the truth Judson, I am desperate to know that you love me, to know that you care, to know that you miss my presence in your life.  But I don’t know what your experience of me is now that you are in heaven.  I don’t know if you miss me.  I don’t know if there are things you wish you could tell me.  I don’t know if you long for our reunion.  It is hard to know you or feel known by you when there is so much separation between us.

But this I know with certainty…  I miss you.  There are things I wish I could tell you.  And I long for our reunion.

I love you so, so very much!  I am so thankful for you!  And I am so proud to be your mom!


8 Responses to "My Imagination"

  1. Stephanie Bonomo says:

    I love to read your blog. There is something about your son that just intrigues me. Maybe I see my daughter in him or maybe in some way I imagine my daughter would be just like him. I don’t know why but I feel like you speak the things I feel. Even though we are going through different heartaches I think deep down we both long for the same thing…..

    I got your comment on my blog. Sorry I have not been able to reply I have been super busy in the last couple of weeks. I just quit my job….Kennedy has also been fighting sever pneumonia. She is in the PICU right now. Kennedy does not have Krabbes – your instincts and wisdom were spot on! They are now testing her for something called: CDKL5 (A Typical Rett Syndorme or Rett like Syndrome).

    I to yearn for that so called normalcy that so many people take for granted.

    Stay strong,
    Love Stephanie Bonomo

  2. Lori Whitehead says:

    I am so honored to follow you on "your journey" of life without Jud !He is such a precios , beautiful little Angel ! It breaks my heart when I watch the video’s of him

  3. Audrey Lacanienta says:

    Dear Christina,

    On a special day such as Mother’s Day, my heart feels for you and yet breaks for you… both intensely sweet joy from your "Jessie Girl" but also incredibly bittersweet longing for your "Jud Bud".

    Remembering loved ones who are in heaven, we do have the Word of God for our comfort and yet there’s the element of what’s not Scripturally stated, so our imaginations must muse…

    I believe that "Jud Bud" smiles and lives with such Heavenly perfection in his midst with our Lord. Yet, he must also remember what will bring him joy, of the world he left behind… the joyful impressions of the perfect motherly love you gave to him… He has blessed your life tremendously and at the same time, you have touched his life in a way no one else has or ever will… you were his beautiful mother, now and forever…


  4. hh says:

    I love you so much, Christina! I’ve been thinking of you and praying for you all throughout this day so far. Thank you for sharing your letter to Judson with us. It is beautiful, sobering and heart-wrenching all at the same time.

    Happy Mother’s Day to the most brave, loving and amazing mom I’ve ever known. May you feel honored, celebrated and comforted today as soooooo many of us are thinking of you right now.

    Sending big hugs with smiles and tears….as always,

  5. Jamie says:

    I saw you from afar today…I am proud of you for being there on a day when I am sure it was tempting to stay in bed and ache for your sweet Judson. You’ve surely got one fine macaroni necklace waiting for you in heaven after today!

  6. Jean and Gary Butler says:

    Dear Christina~
    First of all, Gary and I both want to wish you a very Happy Mother’s Day. You are such a beautiful
    "mommy". Jud and Jessie are both blessed to have you in their life. We didn’t speak of Jud in the past tense; because he is STILL AND WILL ALWAYS BE WITH YOU every single day.You are as much his mommy as little Jessie’s. You know we don’t really know what all happens in heaven; but just maybe Jud IS making you things to see when you are together again.Now you smile; because that is exactly what Jud is doing today.
    Love and Hugs~
    Jean and Gary

  7. Sandy Mitchell says:

    Sweet Christina,

    Even though we can never know for sure until our day comes, I feel with all of my heart that you (and your entire family) are still a part of Judson’s life. I have no idea what heaven will really be like (I have hopes of what it will be like!) but I truly believe that love transcends all things and that Judson is completely aware of all that you go through and is still a part of your lives/ in your lives.

    I would imagine that he probably doesn’t "miss" you, because he is still with you, but with the gift of understanding that we don’t have this side of heaven!! I bet he wishes that he could comfort your heart and take away your pain (such as we all wish for you!) But I just know, know, know that he loves you, is so happy that he was lucky enough to get you and Drake for parents and can’t wait until you are reunited in Heaven. My heart tells me, he is always with you and thanking Jesus personally for giving him such a great mommy and daddy. Praying for you daily!!!

    Lots of love,

  8. lisa says:

    I read this on another mom’s website and it describes how I feel perfectly:

    "They say that time in heaven is like the blink of an eye to those of us on earth. Sometimes when I think of my child who has passed, I imagine her running in a field of wildflowers, so caught up in the beauty and freedom and joy of her surroundings, that by the time she thinks to turn around and look to see if I am there….I will be."

    Christina, I honestly don’t think that Jud misses you because by the time he blinks those big, beautiful eyes up in heaven, your family WILL be having the best reunion ever imagined! He will never know a time without his parent’s love and kisses! It’s just a hard wait for those of us left behind…

    Happy Belated Mother’s Day!

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