Dear Judson,

I miss you.  I miss you every day.  I miss you every day, but there are certain days that feel particularly like torture living without you.  While most moms are elated at the thought of celebrating Mother’s Day as all their children shower them with appreciation for what they have done and do, I feel the piercing, bitter pain of living without you, the boy who made me a mom.

Of course, I absolutely delight in your sister—gratitude pours from my heart with every moment we share.  She is such a lovely little lady, and like you, gives me the gift of being “mom”.  But every thought connected to the joy of mothering Jessie cannot help but be intimately tied up in the anguish of no longer being able to mother you.

This ongoing separation kills me.

I imagine what tomorrow would be like if you were still here…

You and Jessie might come bounding from your room together, bounce on my bed shouting “Happy Mother’s Day,” and then you would likely shower with me kisses while your sister would play hard-to-get.  Instead, it will only be Jessie tomorrow playing hard-to-get.  I miss your kisses.

When we go to church and all the kids are making their moms cute little craft projects expressing their affection, I will be handed one beautiful gift instead of two.  I’ll miss not getting the one you might have meticulously made for me.

In fact, how does a four-year-old boy show love to his mom on Mother’s Day?  I’m actually not really sure, but I wish you were here so that I could find out tomorrow.

Instead, I am left with my imagination.  And my imagination leads me to pain.  Because that’s all it is—my imagination!  I can only imagine you.  I cannot see, hear, touch, or smell you as a four year old boy.  Not only do I not have the privilege of knowing who you would now be here on earth, I also don’t know who you are in heaven.

And to tell you the truth Judson, I am desperate to know that you love me, to know that you care, to know that you miss my presence in your life.  But I don’t know what your experience of me is now that you are in heaven.  I don’t know if you miss me.  I don’t know if there are things you wish you could tell me.  I don’t know if you long for our reunion.  It is hard to know you or feel known by you when there is so much separation between us.

But this I know with certainty…  I miss you.  There are things I wish I could tell you.  And I long for our reunion.

I love you so, so very much!  I am so thankful for you!  And I am so proud to be your mom!

Longingly,
Mommy