Last night, Drake and I attended our first wedding since Jud died.

For the most part, I was able to focus on the newly married couple and rejoice in all the rejoicing.

What I did not anticipate was the monsoon of grief that overtook my body as the groom’s mom stepped onto the hardwood floor to enjoy a solo dance with her son.  It was as though I was transported into a galaxy of intense pain while the numerous people around me were smiling, laughing, clapping, and delighting in the festivities.  My face contorted in an effort to hold back my sobs, but tears gushed out of my eyes as I tried to hide my sorrowful countenance behind Drake’s shoulder.

The world around me began to flow in slow motion while my mind conjured up pictures of Judson in young adulthood, flinging me across the dance floor on his wedding day…but I could not see his face.  I saw a tall, lanky body topped with soft blonde hair, but I could not see Jud’s face.  Oh, how I wanted to see his face, his smile, his eyes.

I will never know what Judson might have looked like in adulthood.  I will not have the privilege of watching him fall in love and get married.  I will never have a mother/son dance with my boy.

But, I will cherish every memory I do have!