Dear Judson,
You know I could never forget you, but I’m having a harder and harder time remembering you. We have pictures, videos and memories of you, but they’re all flat compared to the beautiful, brilliant boy you were and are. I miss you.
In truth, as I begin my third year without you, I find myself losing you a second time. The first time left me broken and turned my world upside-down. Now, I find myself without bearings. I can’t find you. I can’t remember you. And I begin to feel as though I’ve lost myself as I’ve lost touch with you. At my most basic core I am your father and loving you is essential to who I am, so as your face is more and more obscured, I feel less and less myself. I’ve lost so very much!
I know that I will see you again, and then I will be fully myself and fully free. But for now I grieve and miss you.
Lots and lots of love,
Daddy
Drake
Dear Drake,
Reading your honest words of sorrow touched my heart deeply. This time of the year, as we approach the month of January, when our Kevin went "home" to be with the Lord, strong emotions are triggered by memories and a longing to see and experience our son again, that same kind of longing that you described in your blog.
As the days, months and now years pass, Bob and I seek to find ways to keep Kevin alive in us, because he is a very significant part of who we are and we don’t want to forget him, but we know we have to learn to live without him here with us and part of letting go is necessary though extremely painful.
You are wise to realize that you are not the same person you were before Jud died. There is an author, Dr. Alan Wolfelt, founder of the Center for Loss here in Fort Collins, Colorado who writes about the "Six Needs of Mourning" – yields that we must acknowledge in our journey through grief. One of the significant "needs" is that we realize that we will need to "develop a new self-identity." God seems to be leading you to consider who are now that you have suffered the death of your beloved son, and surely He will provide the re-defining moments, as He is so very present and near "the broken hearted."
Blessings to you and Christina, as you continue on your personal journey from mourning to joy. You are in our hearts and our prayers, and we are so looking forward to reading Jud’s story – we ordered our book yesterday!
May your continued outpouring of what you are experiencing and how you are remembering and honoring your son comfort, strengthen and heal your broken heart. Love in Christ, Angie and Bob, too!
Drake, Perhaps you are experiencing the pain of rebirth to your life without Jud. This does not mean that you will forget Jud or how very much you love him. The heart truly does not forget, even though our memories may become more one dimensional. Remember that just as you are defined as Jud’s (and Jessie’s)father, you are also defined as a child of God, our heavenly Father. He is with you every step of this new life that you are leading and will not leave you forsaken. With the years that have passed since we lost our Michael and Rachel, I can tell you that although our memories of them have changed, not diminished, just changed, our love for them is just as real as it was when they were here on earth with us. I used to be so afraid of forgetting how very much I loved them and how they enriched my life, but I haven’t. I have simply learned how to go on living and growing without them. You and Christina are always in our prayers. Blessings.
Just pray to god. And you can really talk to him. Dont give up. he is always by your side. Hes sayin "i love you so much."