As we enter this season of the onset of Judson’s Krabbe symptoms, as difficult as it will be, I intend to go back and read my journals, letters, and blogs from the corresponding day last year. I have become aware that healing from this type of tragic loss necessitates moving into the pain, not away from it. Thus, for the next 5 months I will be delving into my most heinous and heart-wrenching experiences. But, I will also be keeping my eyes open to see the grace and character of my Father.
To determine when my journals actually began to reflect my concerns about Jud, I went back this evening and read some entries from the months leading up to June. I found this entry, from March 29, 2007, to be particularly poignant.
I am desperately afraid of pain. I want to avoid it at all costs and circumvent it when it comes. You have not guaranteed a life free from pain for Your children. In fact, quite the opposite-a life spent honoring You may even elicit more pain.
Life hurts a lot…and I haven’t even experienced significant loss or evil in my life. I fear I might break wide open under such circumstances-that I wouldn’t be able to ride such a wave of heartache.
Life is hard.
Father, please be gracious with me and not give me more than I can bear.
I love you Lord!
I felt as though my heart fractured into a million pieces as I read these words today. I am still trying to sort out all my feelings, but something immediately stood out to me as I considered this and other journal entries from the beginning of last year…
As strange as it sounds, I think I knew something was coming: something big, something painful, and something that had the potential to shake every foundation in my life.
God was preparing me for the journey that was about to unfold. Could that be one of the ways He honored my cries for Him to be gracious with me??!!?