Judson's Legacy

Leaving it Barren


Generally speaking, the gardeners at Judson’s memorial park clear away all flowers and any other gifts left at a gravesite every Wednesday morning.  However, there are certain times throughout the year when they allow loved ones to leave things for an extended period of time.

I feel fortunate that Judson’s birthday falls during a period where they are lenient about what can be displayed and allow it to remain there through the 6th of January.  Therefore, all the amazing decorations that the family put up on the 24th were able to remain there until today.

However, that meant that I needed to remove them this morning if I didn’t want them to be trashed.

So while Jessie jumped and played on the nearby grass, I slowly dismantled the decor that had been so beautifully placed there to adorn his plot.  Each movement pained me as I pondered the reality of what I was actually doing.

These items represented love for my boy, the boy buried more than 12 feet below the ground under my feet.  This is the boy that I caressed as an infant, the boy that used to tackle me, the boy that I conversed with, the boy that would cause me to stop in my tracks and leave me in awe at the gift I’d been given, the boy that regularly had me in stitches.  This is the boy I love.  He is dead.  And I am relegated to leaving flowers, notes, trinkets, and toys to express my affection.  It is awful!  It is absolutely dreadful!

And now, instead of carefully placing the items, I actually had to take them away, one by one, leaving the gravesite barren.

As I was driving away my soul felt barren too.

7 Responses to "Leaving it Barren"

  1. Wendy Heak says:

    Oh Christina, my heart breaks for you. As a mum of three gorgeous children, two boys and a girl I can only faintly imagine what it would be like if I lost any of them. Children are a precious gift from God.
    You are continually in my prayers.

    Love Wendy

  2. hh says:

    My heart breaks for you, too, Christina. I wish you could have left it all up–what a beautiful display you so lovingly created in honor and celebration of Judson’s 4th birthday! I’m just so glad that you have the photos as memories and that you shared those photos with all of us. Thank you!

  3. Lora says:

    I am so sorry for your pain, Christina. I wish I could just take it all away. I will continue to pray for you all!


  4. sabrina gavriilidis says:

    Oh Christina, my heart is truely braking for you. You give such a vivid description of your anguish. I’m so very sorry. How I wish our lives were not so full of heartbrake.


  5. Jean and Gary Butler says:

    Oh Christina….love your heart…..well…you know what……start planning on how you are going to decorate it for Valentine’s Day.I just feel so badly for you. Love you so much!!!!!!! Jean and Gary

  6. debbie mceachern says:

    Christina, you don’t know me, but I know your pain. I lost my two year old in March 2007 from a fast growing tumor. We had the opposite story in that Benji was born with problems-couldn’t swallow, low muscle tone, on oxygen for many months. We were seeing him improve with therapists and thought he would turn out okay. He also made us laugh with unceasing chattering. Within two weeks his tumor grew so fast that the doctors gave us no hope and we held him as he passed on three days after his 2nd birthday. I now do the same thing you do and take things to decorate his grave. The pain never leaves. Your story has brought me comfort. I was searching it to find out how you are handling the pain. I just wanted to let you know you did a good thing by sharing Judson’s story. Your little boy was so darling. FYI I found your story in the Biola mag.

  7. Melissa Boice says:

    Dealing with the death of our sons is probably the hardest thing we will ever have to deal with in our lives.The only peace i have is knowing I will be re-united with him again and they are safe,never to be hurt by anyone or anything again.Take care my friend.I think of you always.

    Kenji’s mommy

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