Judson's Legacy


Jessie happened to be crying when she woke up from her nap today, which is uncommon for her, so I got her out of the crib and laid with her on the lower mattress of the bunk bed.  As she snuggled into the crook of my arm and closed her eyes, I looked over at her sweet face and upon seeing her eyelashes, the floodgates of sorrow burst open.

Almost every other time I’ve snuggled on that bed with a child, my gaze settled on soft blonde lashes. 

Jessie’s lashes are strikingly dark – a stark contrast from those that belonged to her brother.  I regularly admire her lashes, but something in this particular moment triggered a contrast that caused the dam of sadness to burst.  I felt like I was about to drown in heartache as I gasped for air.

I used to lay in that bed with my ailing “Munchy Munch” and find myself staring at his long light lashes.  I would wonder, if he were given the chance to grow older, whether or not they would darken over time.  My wild imagination also pictured Jud as a dad to a little girl who might ask him if she could put mascara on his eyelashes.  Out of deep love for his daughter, I expected he’d risk the humiliation and happily oblige her, then shower her with “butterfly kisses”.

Judson will never be a dad.  Nobody will ever put mascara on his lashes.  And there’s no chance for them to darken over time.

The eyelashes that once beautifully captured my attention and imagination tormented me today.

5 Responses to "Lashes"

  1. Ksenia says:

    Dear Kristina,

    I came to this page once some days ago, so now I come almost everyday.
    Again, it’s my VERY bad character, so you can leave my message without attention. But – would you like to look at this boy?

    His name is Alexei (the name of the last Russian crown-prince), he turned 1 year this September. He is clever and kind, he wants to grow with mother and father, in order to be a good son, a good friend to other children around him, and later in his life a good husband and father. But – the woman who gave birth to him is NOT clever and kind (I even cannot call her his mother, although from the point of view of biology she is). She declined to bring him up. That is why Alyosha (diminutive form for Alexei) lives now in one of Moscow orphanages.
    He waits for his REAL family.
    And it seems to me that Alexei has much common with Jud and Jessie – does it seem ONLY to me? 🙂
    His lashes are white, as I remember. His eyes are bright-blue in reality.
    It is NOT so difficult to adopt a child from Russia by foreigners, as your papers and TV programs say some of the time.

    That is all I wanted to say… 🙂

    All the best,

  2. Jean and Gary Butler says:

    Hi Christina~
    We tried to bring up the site that Ksenia sent to you;but couldn’t get it to open.Did you have any luck with it? Be very careful if you decide ever to adopt….some sites are scams.I’ll try that link again.Gary and I would love to adopt; but our age is the problem.
    You are so right about the lashes;but as you think of Jud’s….think of the beauty of them. SOMEDAY you WILL see those lashes again…I can hardly wait!!!!!!!
    We love you all so much~Jean and Gary

    Here is our address…we would love to have yours…it can be sent to us (only if you want)at jean_butler@bellsouth.net

    Gary and Jean Butler
    15042 Brookridge Blvd.
    Brooksville, FL 34613

  3. 50568 says:

    My name is Angela, I am 21 years old and I attend UCI. I live in this neighborhood (on Cornell Dr), while on my way home from the store today I came across your decorated tree at the park.
    Curiosity won and I walked over to the tree, as I read your letters to Judson my eyes welled up with tears.
    Just hearing about this wonderful boy made me want to know him more. I saw the ribbon with this url address and knew that I had to know him.
    Tears have been flowing freely from the moment I began watching your videos and reading your stories. Jud is truly an amazing, and loving child.
    I know nothing I say can help ease the pain of losing your son, but please know that I will pray for your family.
    With much love,
    Angela Cerda

  4. Rebekah says:

    Every so often, as I’m out and about, I notice little boys who remind me of Jud.

    As Elijah and I were standing at a counter waiting for our lunch order today, I saw a cute little guy who was about Elijah’s age. As I was encouraging Elijah to greet him, my attention was suddenly riveted by the other boy’s pale blond hair and dark eyes.

    How much you must miss soaking in every detail of Judson’s face!! But how encouraging to think that next time you see his face, he will look straight back at you with those gorgeous brown eyes and SEE you clearly!

  5. Sandy Mitchell says:

    Dear Sweet Christina,

    I’m sorry for this undeserved pain you are enduring. I find myself gasping for breath and tears flooding in just the pain I feel for you. I can’t imagine how intense yours must be. I long for the joyous day when those chocolate drop eyes are looking right back at you. Lifting you up in prayer and my heart!!
    Hang in there sweet girl!!


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