I have many people in my life who regularly want to know how I am doing; they are sincerely concerned about my grief process and how Jud’s death is affecting me.
Unfortunately, things have been so difficult that I almost dread those recurring questions now. It is not that I don’t appreciate their genuine concern, which means the world to me, it is that I hate continually answering with a description of pain.
I feel this pressure, maybe unfounded, that I should be doing a little bit better now, when, in fact, it keeps getting rougher. I am torn between being a constant downer or not being forthright about my grief.
Often my perception when people ask me how I am doing is that they expect my pain has begun to ease; I hate disappointing them with the truth-it continues to hurt so much!! I still feel like I am journeying downhill into deeper and more profound sadness. I don’t know when life will plateau or when I will begin to climb out of this valley.
The other day, I caught myself apologizing to people when I shared my struggles with them. It brought to my attention how insecure I am about being a social inconvenience; I fear that people won’t want to be around me because of my on-going grief and sorrow. Much of this is my own internal struggle.
However, as life unravels, I am so thankful for the people who, when they ask how I am doing, clearly expect that my days are increasingly difficult, offering freedom and acceptance in my unfolding pain.