Judson's Legacy

Journeying Downhill

I have many people in my life who regularly want to know how I am doing; they are sincerely concerned about my grief process and how Jud’s death is affecting me.

Unfortunately, things have been so difficult that I almost dread those recurring questions now.  It is not that I don’t appreciate their genuine concern, which means the world to me, it is that I hate continually answering with a description of pain.

I feel this pressure, maybe unfounded, that I should be doing a little bit better now, when, in fact, it keeps getting rougher.  I am torn between being a constant downer or not being forthright about my grief.

Often my perception when people ask me how I am doing is that they expect my pain has begun to ease; I hate disappointing them with the truth-it continues to hurt so much!!  I still feel like I am journeying downhill into deeper and more profound sadness.  I don’t know when life will plateau or when I will begin to climb out of this valley. 

The other day, I caught myself apologizing to people when I shared my struggles with them.  It brought to my attention how insecure I am about being a social inconvenience; I fear that people won’t want to be around me because of my on-going grief and sorrow.  Much of this is my own internal struggle. 

However, as life unravels, I am so thankful for the people who, when they ask how I am doing, clearly expect that my days are increasingly difficult, offering freedom and acceptance in my unfolding pain.

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