Judson's Legacy

Internal World

I regularly find myself calling out to God to help me.  Yet, last night, as I posted the 38th Psalm, I began to ponder what I am actually asking of Him.  So often before Jud’s death and even prior to his illness, when I would ask God to save or help me, I was really crying out for Him to change my circumstances; whether it be asking for help in my relationships, with work, or some other situation, I was generally begging for a tangible change to my external state of affairs.

However, in this case, as much as I long to have Judson back, I know this is not a possibility-there is no potential for change in my circumstances.  As much as I crave to see and hold my son again, I am aware that when I cry out to God for Him to help me, Judson will never be returned to me this side of heaven.  Yet, I continue to cry out, “Help me, Oh God!  Save me!”

So, what am I really asking of Him now?

I desperately need God to be present in my thoughts.  I need Him to save me from the unhealthy views that seek to take root in my soul.  I am asking the Lord to help me steer off bitterness, self-pity, despair, and apathy.  My mind must constantly be purified.  I must ask Him to save me from a heart that is prone to wander into the abyss.

It struck me that this is actually what God desires of me in all my circumstances, not just the ones that cannot be changed.  Rather than cry out for Him to alter my external affairs, He wants me to cry out for Him to change me, within the circumstances He has placed me.  In financial turmoil, in relational difficulties, in loss, my Father is not as concerned about my external world, He wants to save my heart.

So to this end I pray…

“O my God, be not far from me!  Make haste to help me, O Lord!  Order my internal world that my heart may honor You in spite of my circumstances!  Amen.”

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