Judson's Legacy

I Don’t Know


Dear Lord,

Sometimes the things I know to be true, I struggle to emotionally understand.  You offer answers that inform my mind, but I am often still torn—in my heart I don’t know much…

I don’t know why Judson had to die.
I don’t know why you didn’t intervene.
I don’t know why death must exist.
I don’t know why eternity with you often feels so far away.
I don’t know why your peace sometimes eludes me.

I don’t know what you’re doing with me.
I don’t know what to do with all my pain.
I don’t know how to function when my heart is broken.
I don’t know how to live well in my grief.
I don’t know what it means to heal.

I don’t know why life has to be so hard.
I don’t know why suffering has to be such a significant part of the human experience.
I don’t know why joy has to intermingle with pain.
I don’t know why you don’t regularly thwart the evil in this world.
I don’t know why you choose to work the way you do.
I don’t know why you are waiting so long before you return.


I also don’t know how it is you love a mess like me.
I don’t know how you freely gave of your son for me.
I don’t know how I would live without your grace.
I don’t know how anyone can walk through heartache without you.

I may not know much.

But I know I love you.


7 Responses to "I Don’t Know"

  1. Linda says:

    So true, so true, so true! Love it, love it, love it!!

  2. Jenny says:

    This spoke to me! So simple and yet such struggle…we can all relate to that on some level depending on the depth of pain we’ve experienced. Keep writing friend!


  3. Rebekah says:

    Amen and AMEN.

    This perfectly expresses the questions that I have struggled with since Jud’s death too. I know the "head answers" but not the "heart answers".

    Much love and peace to you… praying for you…

  4. aunt sue says:

    Amen Christy, We can trust Him! On this side of heaven, we are not meant to understand everything. If we did, we wouldn’t need Him . . . Love, aunt sue

  5. Jean and Gary Butler says:

    Oh Christina~A thousand amens!!!!! What a wonderful, powerful writing!!!!!
    We love you so much~
    Jean and Gary

  6. Alisa Ontiveros says:

    Again, I hesitate to offer a simple "I understand" because I know I do NOT and CANNOT ever really understand. I DO, however, struggle with many of the same questions. You are able to express it so well–truly a God-given gift!

    It is such an encouragement to know that others struggle with these questions too. Yes, we believe God is in control. Yes, we know what His Word says. Yes, we know this is not our home. And, YES, we know this is temporary, and we should live for eternity.
    But, like you said, knowing this doesn’t mean we can just dismiss all the pain, heartache, grief, etc.

    I can’t wait for your book to come out. I’ve already shared pieces of your story and your blog with some friends who are grieving and/or struggling with difficult circumstances. Your story has already been such a blessing.

    I feel so guilty saying this because I want you never to have suffered. My heart aches for you! But, again, thank you for the courage to share and bless others.
    <3 in Christ,
    Alisa <><

  7. Elizabeth says:


Share Your Thoughts...

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.