Judson's Legacy



My body and soul are constantly groaning, as though every cell and every notion is in a visceral state of yearning.

Even the most minute twinge of pain triggers this inexpressible desire for something more, something different, something greater.  It is all the broken pieces of my life longing to be unbroken and complete.  It is that little voice in my head that says something is not right.  It is the incredible experience of joy that still seems somehow incomplete.  It is the relentless nagging feeling that this cannot be all there is.  It is the experience of evil that leaves me desperate to see it defeated. 

My body and soul are groaning for another world, every cell and every notion yearning for my real home.

These feelings are not new to me with the loss of my boy, it is as though they were written into the very fabric of my being from the time I was formed.  I simply feel them far more acutely having watched the destruction of my son’s earthly body and feeling the sharp pangs of mortality with each breath.

But God said it would be this way.  He described how we will groan, longing for our heavenly dwelling.  And while we are in this body we will be burdened for what is mortal to be swallowed up by life.  He even made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come (2 Corinthians 5:1-5).

So I keep groaning, sometimes with audible cries and other times with a quiet whimper—meanwhile, thanking God for his Spirit that instills in me an assurance that death will indeed be swallowed up by life.

2 Responses to "Groaning"

  1. Melissa Boice says:

    Amen, Christina, I ,too, am longing for my heavenly home where I willthen be reunited with my son.Take care..love you guys

    Kenji’s mommy

  2. Michal says:

    Dear ones, I have often leaned upon these verses. May they encourage you afresh as you ache for your darling boy.

    Romans 8:23-27 "And even we Christians, although we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, also groan to be released from pain and suffering. We, too, wait anxiously for that day when God will give us our full rights as His children, including the new bodies He has promised us–bodies that will never be sick again and will never die. We are saved by trusting. And trusting means looking forward to getting something we don’t yet have–for a man who already has something doesn’t need to hope and trust that he will get. it. But if we must keep trusting God for something that hasn’t happened yet, it teaches us to wait patiently and confidently. And in the same way–by our faith–the Holy Spirit helps us with our daily problems and in our praying. For we don’t even know what we should pray for, nor how to pray as we should; but the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows, of course, what the Spirit is saying as He pleads for us in harmony with God’s own will."

    I once heard of a man who taught groaning as a prayer technique. His best students were nuns, he said.

    We know the Lord hears the cries and groans of our hearts, and yes, I love the way you wrote "may even my lament be an act of worship." I am confident that it is. Thank you for your wisdom and truth.

    In His love, Michal Ann

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