For so many months Judson’s death felt surreal. The questions I would regularly ask myself were, “What just happened? Where is my son?” leading to, “I want my boy back!!!!”
But recently, it has started to sink in that he is actually gone—truly gone. I’ve discovered that the prevalent questions have shifted. Now I am regularly wondering, “How do I live a lifetime without my little man? With Judson gone, what do I want my life to look like?”
The reality of Jud’s lifelong absence is becoming more and more real.
But as grief takes new forms and my frame of mind has been changing, I’ve become afraid that my perspective is going to swing from it being surreal that Judson is gone, to it being surreal that my precious boy ever lived.
This is a staggering notion. Oh dear God have mercy!