Happy Half Birthday Buddy Boo!

We had a birthday cake last night to celebrate you.  Of course it was a Lightning McQueen ice cream cake.  This is the most special cake imaginable because I can envision your delight when you devoured the black frosting, getting it all over your face, hands, and me at your Make-A-Wish party.  It’s the only cake I ever remember you eating.  It now represents our celebration of you and your life (I hope Baskin Robbins keeps serving this cake for many years to come).

Oh Juddy, I miss you so much! 

It breaks my heart that we must all get used to celebrating your life without you.  Sadly, somewhere along this journey your absence has become our typical and those days when you graced our life are becoming more foreign.  I hate it and yet I must embrace it as my journey.  But even though I am becoming accustomed to not having your physical presence, you continue to be ever-present with me in my heart and thoughts.  Death will never steal you from my mind!

And your presence in my thoughts keeps me yearning—yearning for you, yearning for my Savior, and yearning for eternity where there will be no more death, crying, sorrow, or pain.

My days continue to be filled with all those things.  How could they not be when I must live every day without the little boy who stole my heart?! 

And I am not the only one who misses you terribly.  It is becoming increasingly apparent that Jessie misses you deeply too.  “I want Juddy to come back,” she mentioned out of the blue to me a few days ago.  And later when I told her that we were going to be celebrating your half birthday, she got very excited because she thought you were going to be here for it.  “Is he going to blow out the candles?”

“No, Jessie, you get to do that for him.”

“I don’t want to,” she replied, “I want Judson to do it!”

And then yesterday when I excitedly asked her, “Who’s going to be here when you get up from your nap?” (I had told her in the morning that Grammy was coming for a visit) she started jumping up and down and clapping her hands with great enthusiasm saying, “Jud, Jud, Jud!  Is Jud going to be here?”

Oh how I wish you could be here, especially for your sister.  She longs for her big brother, a role that no one else but you can fill.  She may not have direct memories of you, but it is clear she loves you SO much.  And just as you did for her, she is always looking out for you now…last night as daddy was putting Jessie to bed, she asked, “Is Judson gonna have some of his cake, daddy?  When is Judson going to have some of his cake?”

In fact, your ladybug is mindful of you regularly.  She often gets into my purse and pulls out your website cards, hands them to strangers and informs them that you’re her brother.  Furthermore, the other day she decided that the ladybug on her shoe is “in honor of Jud.”

Actually, your little life is being honored in numerous ways Judson.  God made such an incredible little boy when he fashioned you in my womb and brought you into this world four and a half years ago, but what is even more amazing is how he is using your short little life to impact hearts and minds all over the world.  Thank you for being such a faithful little boy…I too, want to be faithful to the God you love!

As we celebrate your half birthday, I cannot help but imagine what you might look like, the activities you would love, or how you would act at four and a half years old, but I also recognize that God never intended for you to live beyond 2 years, 10 months, and 14 days.  You lived a full and honorable life according to what our Father deems valuable.  So that is the life I celebrate today—a life lived fully in light of eternity.  I cannot wait to join you there!

Always missing you Sweet Man!!!

Hugs, kisses, and lot’s of love,
Mommy

The tricycle Judson was given on his half birthday two years ago.