Your dad and I have now been to the other side of the nation and the other side of the world in honor of you, but the journey where I find you running back into my embrace remains forefront to all my longings.
It was strange to be traveling because of you, traveling because you are no longer here on earth. It was bizarre to know that none of these events would have occurred for us if not for your suffering and death. Yet on the flipside, we find it to be such a gift to see how God is choosing to make an impact with your little life.
I am so proud of you! I beam with pride upon every mention of you, upon every picture or video of you, upon every thought of you, my precious little man. I stand in awe of the boy you are and the gift I have been given as your mom. How did I get blessed with such a neat son? My heart overflows with gratitude for you. I find myself constantly thanking God for you and your sister, amazed that I have been given the gift of caring for you both.
But with every breath of gratitude, there are sharp pangs of sorrow over losing you; once entrusted to me, you are no longer under my care and every thought of you is colored by sorrow.
And you continue to consume my thoughts. If people could see into my mind, they would know that you are tied to almost every one of my mental impressions, hundreds if not thousands a day. From nearly all my miniscule flashes of consciousness to my most profound and weighty notions, you are present. I may be learning to function without your physical presence, but sorrow seeps from my very pores, not easily visible to anyone, but part of the framework of my mind.
I often imagine this is how God wants me to love and long for him—that my desire to be in his presence would be at the core of my very being. He wants me to seek him just as I earnestly as I yearn for you. The Lord wants my affections for himself to ooze out of all I say, think, or do. However, I struggle with this Jud. I confess that I find myself yearning for you more than I do my Savior. I think of my final journey into his Kingdom and I admit that I imagine your embrace more than I do our Heavenly Father’s.
So many of my thoughts are skewed and tweaked, indicative of my frailty.
However, missing you gives me insight into how God wants me to live and love him. Missing you sheds light on what it means to set my heart and mind on things above, on Christ (Colossians 3). Judson, you are helping to bring me to the feet of Jesus.
I think of your little soul, of who you are, of all you had to endure, and the innocence of your spirit and imagine what is meaningful to you now as you live in glory…
This world has faded and you see and adore with complete purity the God who loves you even more than I ever could. I want to adore him similarly, even here on earth. I want to keep learning from you in this manner.
Oh Jud Bud, as you well know, my love for you is imperfect and very broken, even in my grief, and though this world probably means very little to you now, I hope my undying love for you endures our separation and speaks to your heart even in heaven.
So proud of you,