It’s hard for me to believe you would be turning ten years old today. It’s such a milestone birthday! But you’re not here.
It’s been so long since you were here. It’s been so long since I got to see you blow out your candles, open gifts, and eat your favorite meal. In fact, I don’t even know what you’d want in your gifts at this age. I don’t know what your favorite meal would be anymore. I don’t know what you’d be like at the age of ten. It hurts so much not to know.
But I do know you’re complete. I know you are whole in all the ways I desire to be whole. I know you are fully safe, in a manner that still eludes us. I know you are filled with joy in a way that is complete. I know that the tears streaming down my face right now, are no longer part of your world. I know that you have a far deeper and more robust understanding of our Father’s love, His perfect love.
Ultimately, I know that who you are in heaven is far, far greater than the ten year old boy you would be here on earth…but it doesn’t change the fact that I wish I could know that ten year old boy. I wish I could hold you. I wish I could delight in your personality, gifts, humor, and quirks as a ten year old boy.
I miss you, Juddy! I miss you so much. I don’t know what age you’ll be when we’re together again, but I hope and pray that all I’ve missed as your mommy here on earth will be multiplied exponentially in heaven.
I love you so much, Buddy Boo!
With all my deep, deep longings and brokenness,
It’s a milestone.
I imagined it when you died.
But I couldn’t imagine it too.
I couldn’t imagine living that long without you.
I couldn’t imagine your personality, interests, and challenges.
I couldn’t imagine TEN.
But here we are.
Your 10th birthday.
I see you as a toddler.
I see your personality, interests, and challenges…when you were little.
I’m even able to imagine you at age four, five, or possibly six.
But I can’t imagine you at ten.
I can’t see who you’d be anymore.
My memories are limited.
My imagination falls short.
Actually, everything seems to fall short in your absence.
Except my love.
My love for you is boundless.