Judson's Legacy

Double Digits


Dear Judson…

It’s hard for me to believe you would be turning ten years old today. It’s such a milestone birthday! But you’re not here.

It’s been so long since you were here. It’s been so long since I got to see you blow out your candles, open gifts, and eat your favorite meal. In fact, I don’t even know what you’d want in your gifts at this age. I don’t know what your favorite meal would be anymore. I don’t know what you’d be like at the age of ten. It hurts so much not to know.

But I do know you’re complete. I know you are whole in all the ways I desire to be whole. I know you are fully safe, in a manner that still eludes us. I know you are filled with joy in a way that is complete. I know that the tears streaming down my face right now, are no longer part of your world. I know that you have a far deeper and more robust understanding of our Father’s love, His perfect love.

Ultimately, I know that who you are in heaven is far, far greater than the ten year old boy you would be here on earth…but it doesn’t change the fact that I wish I could know that ten year old boy. I wish I could hold you. I wish I could delight in your personality, gifts, humor, and quirks as a ten year old boy.

I miss you, Juddy! I miss you so much. I don’t know what age you’ll be when we’re together again, but I hope and pray that all I’ve missed as your mommy here on earth will be multiplied exponentially in heaven.

I love you so much, Buddy Boo!

With all my deep, deep longings and brokenness,



It’s a milestone.
I imagined it when you died.
Your 10thbirthday.
But I couldn’t imagine it too.
Double digits.

I couldn’t imagine living that long without you.
I couldn’t imagine your personality, interests, and challenges.
I couldn’t imagine TEN.

But here we are.
Your 10th birthday.
Double Digits.

I see you as a toddler.
I see your personality, interests, and challenges…when you were little.
I’m even able to imagine you at age four, five, or possibly six.

But I can’t imagine you at ten.
I can’t see who you’d be anymore.
My memories are limited.
My imagination falls short.

Actually, everything seems to fall short in your absence.

Except my love.

My love for you is boundless.

11 Responses to "Double Digits"

  1. Phoenix Frost-Ulfhamr says:

    This made me cry. So beautiful, even though sad. *hugs*. My son has been gone two years now, he was 7 days old when he passed. I can't imagine who he would be, what I am missing, but I wish I knew. I think about it all the time. I am sorry for your temporary separation, but thank God for Judson's health and safety, and for God's promise that you will see him again. As a follower of Christ, I can't imagine losing a child and NOT being a Christian, not having that to look forward to, it breaks my heart :'( We are praying for you guys, I know holidays are especially hard.

    • Janice Cooper says:

      I cannot imagine your pain, but I can offer my prayers. Please know that I care, and that I admire your strength.

  2. Janice Cooper says:

    OMG!! There are no words. Know that there are people who care and send our prayers.

  3. jeanette says:

    Although I cant begin to know your deep sorrow you demonstrate great hope and strength through Judsons legacy. Know that he is safely embraced in the loving arms of our Savior.

  4. Rebekah says:

    Thankful for your faithful testimony, Christina. So many painful years without Jud, without watching him grow. Sometimes I think about what was said at his memorial service, about how we must measure life. Jud was such a amazing toddler that I think anyone would expect him to grow into an equally amazing young man (what he would be at the age of 10! Wow!). Yet the gifts God gave him, his incredible faith and spiritual insight at his young age, were used greatly in his very short life. Praise the Lord that eternity is forever.

  5. Gina Dunn says:

    I am sorry Christina….I have been following you for awhile…I can't even imagine…I do believe Jud will still be his cute little toddler self when you see him again…..I do not think a child ages in heaven…

  6. Kathryn Stone Knight Ream says:

    Dear Christina & Drake,
    I watched Joyce Meyers and heard about your precious Son Judson, my heart breaks and tears stream down my face for Judson & the Family. Thank you for sharing your story about your precious angel Judson. God Bless and my peace & comfort be with your Family.

  7. Laura B says:

    I praise the Lord for your faith and what you are doing in honor of your sweet, dear son. Hearing your words on Joyce Meyer made me feel what I haven’t felt in so long- love, compassion, faith. Thank you for sharing your very personal story and really, speaking for so many others that maybe find they are unable. We are loved by Him and you are loved by your brothers and sisters, in Christ.

  8. Diana Fair says:

    Thoughts and prayers to you all for comfort. This story had me crying a river and ocean and I'm deeply sorry for your loss.

  9. Shannon says:

    I couldn’t sleep last night, so I woke up and found Joyce Meyer on TV, and watched and listened to your story of loss and faith and love and so many other things, which then led me to your website to read more about your journey. I’m so sorry for your loss of Judson-words cannot express what I want to say to you. Thank you though, for sharing your story, and also for your faith. You have given me an example to follow. Blessings!

  10. Lil Juddy will be the same lil adorable boy u knew when he left. And God will compensate all the time you feel you have lost. It be as if though lil Juddy never left. May God bless you and your family and I pray you find a way to mend your broken hearts.

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