The last couple days, for whatever reason, I have been plagued with memories of things I regret in my role as mommy to you. Whether it be times I lost my patience, or situations where I did not extend enough grace, or had overly high expectations, or couldn’t let go of certain things, or was selfish, or lacked sensitivity, or made rash decisions, and the list could go on and on. I blew it on so many levels, again and again, and wish I could do them over. Especially now that you are gone, my heart fractures when I think of the numerous ways I hurt you, for the experiences that wounded your tender little spirit. I am so sorry!
Parenting you and Jessie has made me so incredibly aware of my frailties and weaknesses, of my need for God’s grace!
Of course, you know all too well how broken my love proved to be. And yet you always forgave me, Juddy. Thank you for extending grace to your mama. Thank you for accepting me. Thank you for loving me even when I failed you.
Jud, my deep, deep love for you has clearly been imperfect, conditional, and fractured, but I praise God that you now know perfect, unconditional, unfractured love—completely.
I long for the day when even my love for you will be made whole and all the pains and regrets of deficient love will be washed away. Until that time, my dear son, I am always longing for you…
With all my broken love,