Dear Judson,
The last couple days, for whatever reason, I have been plagued with memories of things I regret in my role as mommy to you. Whether it be times I lost my patience, or situations where I did not extend enough grace, or had overly high expectations, or couldn’t let go of certain things, or was selfish, or lacked sensitivity, or made rash decisions, and the list could go on and on. I blew it on so many levels, again and again, and wish I could do them over. Especially now that you are gone, my heart fractures when I think of the numerous ways I hurt you, for the experiences that wounded your tender little spirit. I am so sorry!
Parenting you and Jessie has made me so incredibly aware of my frailties and weaknesses, of my need for God’s grace!
Of course, you know all too well how broken my love proved to be. And yet you always forgave me, Juddy. Thank you for extending grace to your mama. Thank you for accepting me. Thank you for loving me even when I failed you.
Jud, my deep, deep love for you has clearly been imperfect, conditional, and fractured, but I praise God that you now know perfect, unconditional, unfractured love—completely.
I long for the day when even my love for you will be made whole and all the pains and regrets of deficient love will be washed away. Until that time, my dear son, I am always longing for you…
With all my broken love,
Mommy
Oh, Christina….while your feelings are totally normal and ones we all have..for our children both living and passed….I want you to know how much I look up to you as a mother. I admire the way you parented Jud when he was with you, the way you are raising up and teaching Miss Jessie to be a wonderful little girl, and the way you continue to be Jud’s loving mother. I’m sure there are many, myself included, who aspire to be more like you as a mother.
Much love…
Dawn
What you wrote touched my heart Christy. Bless you. Love aunt sue
Christina–There is not a parent alive who does not regret things they’ve said or not said, hugs not given, time not taken. But children more nearly reflect God’s love–able to forgive and forget as if it never happened. I know Jud knew how much he was loved and treasured and I know Jessie girl does, too. Remember that Jud felt your love and was secure in it just as he feels your love now and is secure in it. Your great love for Jud caused you to introduce Jud to our loving Father and helped foster his relationship with God. Pat yourself on the back for that rather than regret the times you were simply being what God made you–human. Blessings dear friend.
Sweet Christina,
I can so relate to everything you wrote (what mom can’t???) about all of the shortcomings we feel as parents. Isn’t it amazing and inspiring at how quickly to forgive and forget children are? If only we could all be so gracious with one another and ourselves!!
As Dawn said, you are a wonderful mother and one who I’m sure many of us on here aspire to be like. You amaze me in so many ways, as does Judson. I’m 100% sure the love and things you did right far outweigh the regrets and I know Jud thinks so too!
You are a wonderful mom and a wonderful human being. Don’t forget it!!!
Sandy
I have seen your videos and read just about everything you have written here. You are a wonderful mother and your son had a wonderful life because of you. I agree with what every here has already said… we all have felt that way. Your beautiful son would not want you to beat yourself up. Your words touch me beyond measure. Big hugs from Alabama.
Christina,
Thanks, as always, for your honesty. I can completely relate and have felt such guilt for my parenting failings. So thanks be to God for His grace, which is more than sufficient. Your confessions reminded me of the Michael W. Smith song, Never Been Unloved. Below are the lyrics. Love and pray for you still.
I have been unfaithful
I have been unworthy
I have been unrighteous
And I have been unmerciful
I have been unreachable
I have been unteachable
I have been unwilling
And I have been undesirable
Chorus:
Sometimes, I have been unwise
I’ve been undone by what I’m unsure of
But because of you, and all that you went through
I know that I have never been unloved
I have been unbroken
I have been unmended
I have been uneasy
And I’ve been unapproachable
I’ve been unemotional
I’ve been unexceptional
I’ve been undecided
And I have been unqualified
Chorus:
Unaware, I have been unfair
I’ve been unfit for blessings from above
But even I can see the sacrifice you made for me
To show that I have never been unloved