Judson's Legacy

Control Freak

I have long been a control freak.

I remember about 8 years ago, one of my student staffs at Biola was doing impressions of people; they were mocking one another…in love.  Much to my chagrin, the mockery turned to me.  I vividly recall when Kari, one of the six women on staff, began to impersonate me.  She had me nailed!  Everything she said and did pointed out the overarching need for control that has played out in so much of my life and leadership.  We all chuckled, but the fun of these college students also served as a blinding spotlight, highlighting my need for growth in this area.

What does the control freak do when life is out of control?

Since the beginning of June, my life has been out of control.  I had no ability to change, manipulate, or shift my circumstances, so that Jud would not die, though I desperately wanted to.  I had to sit and watch him suffer as he lost every capability he once enjoyed; I could do nothing.  I was completely at the mercy of God, and God chose not to heal Jud.

Now, as I sit in the pain of losing my dear son, there is nothing for it.  There is absolutely nothing I can do to minimize this loss.  My desire to change, manipulate, or shift the circumstances continues, but there is still nothing I can do.  My boy is gone.  There is no means by which I can bring him back.

This feeling of being completely out of control has been sobering.  Yet, the reality is, I never have been in control.  No one truly has control; we fool ourselves, believing that the things of life are in our hands, but they are not.

Tragedy sends a grim, and glaring message that our lives are not our own, and God is sovereign over all.  We, as humans, are not in control.

I have been learning this in the hardest way imaginable.

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