Judson's Legacy



It’s impossible to live in the depths of my pain all the time.  I wouldn’t survive.  I wouldn’t make it.  It is too heavy and would crush me.

The loss of my sweet Jud Bud continues to loom constantly, but the intense, insufferable anguish ebbs and flows.  I have times where I am functioning well enough to imagine that I can do this, I can live this life of loss.  Then BOOM!  My sorrow hits me just as hard as if it were the day Judson died, and the heartache seems intolerable.

I feel brittle; at times solid and strong, but also fragile and frail.  I break easily.

Yesterday I felt like I was doing pretty well.  Today the pain felt unbearable.  Yesterday I took Jessie to Disneyland, cleaned the house, and did some writing.  Today I could hardly get out of bed and found myself soaked in tears.  I cannot point to any specific circumstances that tipped me one way or the other…

I’m just brittle.

11 Responses to "Brittle"

  1. lisa taylor says:

    I get it. I’m with ya!-Lisa

  2. Lora says:

    Thinking and PRAYING for you often, Christina! I have suffered great loss before as well. Although it was not a child. I do relate to the "waves" of pain. I pray you will feel God’s comforting hand.

  3. Marissa says:

    I feel like I don’t have good enough words to comfort you. but know that I am atleast thinking of and praying for you!

    Lots of Love,


  4. jamie says:

    Thank you, Christina, for sharing your brokenness with us. Thank you for being available to me today, too. I was blessed and encouraged by your words and compassion."Blessed be the God of all comfort, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we are comforted by God." (2 Cor. 1:3-4) YOU exemplify that verse to me, and surely to MANY others. Thank you for being a safe harbor, full of comforting words and a compassionate heart.

  5. dana says:

    Oh my sweet Christina,
    Thank you for being so real, honest and sharing your emotional journey. It gives those around you just a glimpse of understanding into your days.God has blessed you with an incredible way to communicate through your writing…your an amazing writer. I look forward to reading your precious book about jud. I am so proud of you! I wish i had some amazing words to comfort you and ease or take away your pain! Please know that you, drake, jud and jessie are always on our minds and in our prayers!!!!

    Julia has been talking about her little friend jesse
    and wants to know when she can come over again. She had a fun time after christmas with jesse.

    loving arms around you,
    dana glascoe

  6. Wendy Heak says:

    Dear Christina,
    Just letting you know that I am continuously praying for you.
    Your friend in Christ
    Wendy from N.I. xo

  7. debbie mceachern says:

    Christina, I get a daily grief email and this was the verse for today. I thought of you and your blog about brittle. I think our only healing will come from God’s word. I also have a melt down about every other day because I miss my son. It must be normal. Thank you for your sensitive blogs about Judson. They are something I can relate to.

    My son, pay attention to what I say; listen closely to my words. Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your heart; for they are life to those who find them and health to a man’s whole body. Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." (Proverbs 4:20-23)

  8. Jean and Gary Butler says:

    Oh Christina~Even through your grief….you bless us. We so love you~Jean and Gary

  9. hh says:

    Hi Christina,

    Just want you to know that I’m thinking of you and praying for you today, as always. I hope you got my message the other day–I’m afraid it was cut off when I drove into a parking garage. I’ll try to call you again sometime today.

    I love you, my beautiful friend!

  10. rhemashope says:

    Just found your site. I’ve been blown away by your beautiful boy. He has touched my life. And your faith has inspired me. Thank you.

  11. Melissa Boice says:

    I feel the same way Christina. I wonder at times why this is the life God chose for us when others seem so carefree. I understand completely. Stay strong girl. Love you

    Kenji’s mommy

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