There can be an experience when moving from deep sleep into wakefulness, after an intense dream or nightmare, where the line between reality and the subconscious dream world is blurry.  One lays in bed, eyes still closed, trying to decipher what is actually real.

When Jud died, I had a similar experience almost every morning.  There was a moment, when I would begin to awake from my slumber, where the loss of my “sweet man” seemed to be just a nightmare in my dreams rather than reality.  As my mind moved into greater consciousness, the certainty of Jud’s death came crashing down upon me.

This initial feeling of being caught between delusion and reality during those states of drowsiness is now gone; I feel the absoluteness of Jud’s death immediately upon waking; the heaviness in my heart is ever-present.  The shock of our loss has dissipated and Jud’s death sits like a brick in my soul.

As I rouse from sleep, I lie in bed, without movement, eyes tightly shut, wishing I could avoid the pain that is now bound to my every breath as this burdensome slab of agony rises and falls in my chest.  I continue to remain motionless due to the pain of the brick.  It seems nothing can stir me-this mass is too weighty…

That is, until I remember the joy…

The joy represented in the little life thriving in the room next door. This joy, my precious Jessie Girl, lifts the burden just enough for me to move, just enough for me to take on another day.  And my heart swells with gratitude for the reprieve found in the laughter, smiles, and glee of my little miracle “ladybug.”