Judson's Legacy

Blurry Lines


Dear Judson…

I am concerned.

Our intent in sharing your life has always been for God’s story of hope and redemption to be told through your beautiful spirit and that your legacy be honored.  But I am becoming concerned that people are easily forgetting that you are a person, a dear boy, our beloved son.

You are not a commodity to be used for gain.  You are not a platform to be used as a springboard for someone’s soapbox.  You are not a means to an end.  You are not a tool to manipulate emotions.  You are not just a nice concept.

You are a boy.

You are my boy and I feel so incredibly protective of you.

I have listened to the publishing industry talk about the “bottom line” with your manuscript, intent on monetary gain.  I have seen people show your videos for cause-related events without ever actually acknowledging you.  I have read rude comments posted to your videos on YouTube.  I have seen your book underneath a pile of junk at someone’s house.  I have even seen someone set their mug on your face as it graces the cover of your book.

What have we done that the sacredness of your life has become a coaster for somebody’s coffee?  What have we done that the beauty of your character has been relegated to simply being a mechanism for organizational gain?  What have we unintentionally done?

I cringe.  My heart sinks at the thought.  And although I trust that most people who come in contact with your life handle your story with appropriate respect…I know there are others who have not.  It hurts.  I recognize that no one loves you the way I love you.  They do not know you the way I know you.  They do not respect you the way I respect you.  So they cannot possibly care for you the way I care for you.  But…

This causes the lines to get blurry.

I am so sorry, Jud Bud.  I am so sorry for any and every way you have been even remotely disregarded or disrespected in this process.  It makes me want to rescue you all over again, sometimes yearning to retrieve every piece of you that is out there, pulling you close to me so I can safeguard your life and story.  I desperately want to do right by you and see you appropriately honored here on earth but I am broken that there have been times others have not.

But I thank God you are being rightly honored in heaven—I bank on it every single day, certain our Father had a special place of respect prepared just for you, his little champ.  I cannot wait to see you in glory.  I often envision you running up to me with a shimmering crown slipping down over your eyes because it is two sizes too big, but filled with magnificent jewels.  All the while you are saying, “Mommy, mommy, look what God gave me!” as you beam from ear to ear.

Judson, we want to continue to be faithful to walk through whatever doors God might choose to open for your story, but we also want to be careful, prudent, cautious.  We pray for wisdom as we continue to seek to be good stewards of your little life!

I love you all the way to the moon and back, Buddy Boo!

With every fiber of my being missing you,

11 Responses to "Blurry Lines"

  1. Sue Sanchez says:

    I love how you allow us to see you wrestle with your decision to publish your son’s story. How treasured he was and is in your home and even more so in Heaven. These "things" that you mention that tear at your heart as we "humans" are allowed to forget the pain, sorrow and loss that tugs at your heart daily. Forgive us, please. I pray that this allows you to lean more into God for strength and wisdom and that you continue to listen to His soft voice leading you. That because of the insensitivty of others you do not make rash decisions but "stay the coarse" that God has laid before you. You are making a difference and so is Judson, nothing God allows goes to waste.
    With Love
    Sue Sanchez

  2. sarah says:

    brought me to tears. So good chrsitina :] R.I.P judson, you are loved by so many people, and to the people you arent loved by, they are just missing out.

  3. Dear Christina,
    I am so sorry for the continued hurt and pain you continue to experience in your quest to honor Judson’s life and share his story. It isn’t easy.
    I have Judson’s book proudly displayed in my office, on my bookshelf, facing out so I can see his adorable face on a daily basis. Not only does it keep him alive in memory, but also serves as a daily reminder for so many important life lessons..too many to even name. Even though the hurts and disappointments are a sad part of our life on earth, please know there are many, many more who love him, respect him and try to honor his life in how we live ours. You are doing an amazing job, so don’t lose sight of that. You can only control what you do and what you have done has been nothing short of amazing! Judson knows it, God knows it, and so does everyone who knows you!

    Lots of love,

  4. Mike says:

    Drake and Christina,

    I never really did get to know Judson, and looking back, I could have; at least more than I did. But, Judson’s life forces me to acknowledge God. I don’t know how one could be asked to go through life under such unexplainable ways and feelings and yet continue to ackwoledge God!

    With Love, Mike.

    p.s. Would you mind ever blogging on mushrooms and how fun a shape they are?

  5. Samanta says:

    Dear Christina,
    I don’t know you in person, I didn’t have the chance to meet sweet Judson, but in my heart you have a very special place and despite distances and the fact we even don’t know each other voices, I love you all… as parents, as human beings full of strenght and determination to fight for your son’s life so fierceful as you have done it… and then the courage to embrace Jud’s Legacy, spreading his life story around many others…
    Jud’s bright smile is with me every night, before going to bed. I have his book on my night table, which is full with pictures of my beloved ones. My parents, brothers, grandparents, husband and son’s faces with big smiles are sorrounded by the light spreaded by Juddy’s eyes… how can I forget to treasure every moment in life after looking at his beautiful face? … Judson reminds me every day about God’s grace, and helps me get closer to Him that I was before. Thank you little Judson for making me a better mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend…
    With love, Samanta.

  6. Rebekah says:

    Christina, I can only imagine what a difficult line this is to walk… how much you want to share Jud’s life with the world and yet keep it sacred… this is a grungy and messy world. Take heart and remember that Jesus too was mocked and treated with disrespect, and yet He fulfilled God’s plans with perfect purity. I know it must break your heart to see anyone forget that Judson is a real person, your precious son, and it must break your heart to see anyone treat his life as a means to an end. But know that there are others of us who love him as a real boy and treasure him. When I took my copy of Jud’s book on a 20 minute drive to show my mother-in-law, I placed it in a protective bag to keep it safe during the drive. As a mother my heart goes out to you! These decisions are so hard to make… but never forget that Judson is a blessing to us too, and we love him!

  7. Robyn says:

    Jud, I wish you could give your mommy a hug and give her the reassurance that she needs that you are not forgotten or trivialized by those of us whose lives you have touched. You have given many people an introduction to how God touches us and changes us. Your mommy is an incredibly brave woman (and your daddy is an incredibly brave man) who wants to continue to share the glory of your life with a world that, all too often, does not accept or respect a life touched by God. You are missed and loved very much, Jud, and I promise you and your mommy that I honor and cherish your life. Love, Dweebie (Robyn)

  8. Betsy Parker says:

    Hi Christina,

    Welcome to the world! Don’t beat yourself up about the publishing industry or for that matter, what people do or think about the book. I believe that your struggle has helped many and certainly Jud’s story has been a blessing and help to many who are in the same or similar situations.

    Sometimes things that seem disrespectful are just peoples’ carelessness.

    Take it from one who knew your little boy, he was very special, he is deeply loved and missed by many.
    You know that God will provide. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.

  9. Jody Casares says:

    Oh, Christine! I am so sorry that you have to go though this. I want you to kow tha your story, Jud’s story is an inspiration to me. Reading your blog always sets me straight. Although I have never had to go through the things that you have, my heart aches with you, I am often brought to tears reading your thoughts. This is a good thing, through you I have a much better understanding of my relationship with the Lord and with the world. You are one awesome woman and an inspiration to many. Thanks for conituing to share through your pain. Judson is being remembered and that is what counts. Take care.


  10. Amy Moore says:

    I just want you to know that Judson is loved by so many,whom never meant him..I myself purchased Judsons story and his story is on my nightstand beside my bed..I have read many many of times.I have told many of people,who all have been touched by his story.He has made a impact in this world.And is loved by many many of people..Once again thank you for sharing his story.God Bless You and Judson..Hugs and Kisses Judson…

  11. Natasha says:

    Dear Christina,
    Your emotions on screen and I am sure in the book as well would never get a coffee stain on it, no matter how many cups of coffee gets put upon it.

    Your choice to share your son’s short life have made such an impact on my life that not even for a second I would hesitate to defend Judson’s spirit and impact on this earth.

    As you know and sadly experienced, people are not always what we expect. But for every one out there that made it hard for you to cope with a day, Judson’s story made it easier for someone to live, deal with loss and found new life and wonder in the grace of God.

    The memory of Judson being shared with so many across the world is a miracle and we know that miracles are hard and a misunderstood phenomenon.

    I wish you all the love and happiness in the world to cope with whatever gets put on your path.
    I hope that one day in heaven I can meet this little boy, the boy who had a brave mother that told of her blessed life and saved I am sure not just my life but others as well.

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