Judson's Legacy


Though I cannot remember who, I heard someone recently say, “If you lose your parents, you lose your past.  If you lose your spouse, you lose your present.  But if you lose a child, you lose your future.”

Boy, this resonated with me!  Though I have not lost either of my dear parents, or my sweet hubby, and cannot speak to whether or not this quote is fitting in that type of experience, I sure do feel as though I lost a huge part of my future when Judson died.  All the zest for living was sucked right out of me and much of what I had envisioned for my life and our family was buried in the grave with my son.

I’ve had people encourage me to just carve out a new future, which may appear to be a simple prospect since I have Jessie and Drake and many other wonderful things in my life.  But no matter what is before me, I stare at a life filled with heartache and constant triggers of pain over the boy that would have grown, but is now gone, and the memories that stole my innocence.

While the world around me maintains a spring in their step and an enthusiasm for all the possibilities held by the future, I am wandering through the desert where every direction looks bleak and it’s hard to imagine ever running through lush fields of life again.

Father, will you give me hope and vision for my future here on earth while I wait for my future with You?


2 Responses to "Bleak"

  1. 45551 says:

    Dear Christina,
    This is my first visit to your blog.
    I just joined Facebook and was looking for Biola class of 94 people when I saw Drake listed. He was a good friend to me at Biola. (Does he still quote, "The Princess Bride"? My Husband and I do!)
    I found the links to your story from there.

    A few hours have passed now as I have watched and read and cried. I am so sorry for your pain. Words fail me. This has been a season of loss for me as well, though by no means comparable to yours. I know that. Grief is hard though, and isolating, isn’t it? And no, we often don’t understand, or even know the right words to say.

    A friend told me when she first read my blog post about our loss was to prepare right then to forgive everyone who was going to say hurtful things, because it was going to happen. Her words helped. It has happened and I pray to quickly forgive and not turn bitter towards others who, in their own way, are trying to be kind, but can really botch it up.

    Your words and writing have power. Thank you for sharing them with us all. I know He will use them in so many ways. You and Drake will be in my prayers.

  2. 33705 says:

    Sometimes I just want to quote your posts and copy them to Makinley’s site. You describe so clearly what is in my heart as well. I’m sorry.

    I’ve always been a "life is what you make of it" kind of person. It’s hard when you find yourself in a life that is not what you expected and you don’t know what to make of it or what the future holds.

    I pray for you that God leads you down a clear and blessed path.

    Much love…..

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