Judson's Legacy

At the Core


I continue to be so tender and sensitive with matters of the heart since losing Judson.  Though some of my struggles are unrelated to him, even the slightest bit of tension, interpersonal challenge, or other difficult circumstance weighs more heavily in my soul than I ever experienced before.  What would probably have struck me like a pebble previously, now hits me like a boulder.

As I was making dinner in the kitchen tonight, feeling a heavy weight of pain after a fairly innocuous but difficult interaction with someone, I realized that the significance of what I was feeling was actually unrelated to the circumstance that just occurred.  When it came down to it, the weight I felt could be traced directly back to missing my Mr. Handsome.  My experience with this friend had simply pricked me, but every prick seems to strike my gaping wound.

With this realization, instead of mulling over the difficult interaction, which would be my normal tendency, I stopped cooking, went down to my computer, turned on a video of Jud, and let the tears flow.  It was like going straight to the source of my pain rather than being consumed with peripheral issues.  And in cleansing the core of my emotions, it seemed to help put all my other challenges into perspective.

5 Responses to "At the Core"

  1. tamara says:

    i am so sorry for the pain crushing down on your heart like a heavey weight with the absence of judson in your daily life. although we’ve never met i feel your immense heartache. everyone grieves differently but one would be inhuman if we didn’t want to reach thru the computer and just want to hug you. randy pauch’s (last lecture) widow was on tv the other day. she said she watched his video almost everyday to hold on to a little piece of him, but one day had to make the decision to go forward NEVER to forget. at your very core (just like the pic you used) you will ALWAYS be judson’s mommy, you will ALWAYS miss and think of him everyday. (it’s almost been 13 years since i lost my son and not a day has passed that he wasn’t on my heart and in my thoughts. we both were blessed again with a child. not to replace but to embrace. may the weight be replaced with a million light hearted memories.

  2. Katrina says:

    this is a beautiful reminder, thank you! In the midst of my own times of frustration with someone- when I can tell I’m overreacting, but the feeling is real, it is a great idea to stop all I’m attempting to distract myself with, and then go to the source of my underlying pain. Something I already know is there.


  3. debbie mceachern says:

    Christina, this is Debbie again and I want to tell you I think about you and Jud when I think about my little boy Benji. I thought time made it easier, but I am finding that time makes it worse because I am getting more anxious to see him and hold him again. You always hit it right on with your blogs. I check daily to see what you write because you are the only person who understands the pain. You are helping me and probably others deal with our losses. Thank you!

  4. Carrie Virtue-Gundlach says:

    very brave of you, Christina, and so inspiring to go straight to the ‘core’ of your pain instead of remaining at a distance… thank you for pursuing real life and doing it in front of people so we can learn and be spurred on.

  5. hadashi says:

    hmmm…perhaps the blog does not like my German internet connection. i will e-mail you later. love and prayers to you…

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