Judson's Legacy

An Old Pair of Jeans


When I first discovered I was pregnant with Jud, I went to my favorite thrift store (I am a big fan of thrift store shopping) and practically cleared out their maternity section.  I was just so excited to enter this new phase and watch my belly grow with the miracle of life.

When I was about three months pregnant, long before I was beginning to show, I packed away some of my favorite clothes from my closet and replaced them with my new pregnancy wardrobe.  I vividly recall buying a huge Sterilite container at Target to stow away my garments.  And as I carefully folded each item, I imagined the little person that would be gracing my life the next time I opened that container to don my old attire.  There was such intense anticipation and enthusiasm for the joy that lay before me.

Due to back to back pregnancies, suffering, loss, and grief, it had been almost 5 years and I still had not opened that container…until today.

As I carefully pulled the white lid off the top of the clear plastic bin, memories of expectancy came flooding back to me.  I recalled where I was sitting and what I was thinking as I placed my favorite pair of blue jeans into that box back in June 2004.  My heart was full with the prospect of raising the little child growing in my belly; I could hardly wait to hold, kiss, and caress my developing baby.  It was new, exciting, and amazing!

This morning I dug to the bottom of that storage tub that had been tucked away in the back of my closet in search of those old jeans.  As I pulled them out and held them up, I realized how all the promise of new life that filled me when I last touched these jeans has since been plundered.  The little person that had been growing in my tummy no longer graces my life.  Instead of holding, kissing and caressing my child, my arms are left longing for his touch.  The foretaste of my precious baby that had ignited my mind and heart back on that warm day in June has turned to memories of my precious baby that now tear me apart.

While I slowly slipped on the jeans, I reached into the back pocket and discovered a ticket to a Dodgers vs. Cubs baseball game.  The date on the ticket was May 12, 2004, probably the last time I wore those jeans…little did I know that five years later when I would finally wear those jeans again, the baby that had been in my belly would be gone.

My denim pants seemed to mark my transition from anticipation to devastation.



4 Responses to "An Old Pair of Jeans"

  1. 33903 says:

    Dear Christina….This really touched me!
    We have just moved a week ago today, downsizing to a 2 bd 2 ba apt near the corner of Westcliff and Dover, an area very familiar to both of us.

    Have not been to church because of move and my recovery from neck surgery 9 1/2 weeks ago. Went to Dr yesterday and am healing well and can go w/o soft neck brace when not doing strenuous things (like unpacking of which there is lots to do) Dud is "getting older" and having trouble getting around so this smaller place will be much better for him. We only had less than 5 weeks from decision to move so it has been a bit crazy but a good thing. Old home is being painted and carpeted and we are still looking for renters. Lots of lookers but no takers yet. Not a good time to sell or we would.

    In my mental card file, seems I remember you have a BD about now. Was going to mail you a note but can’t find my stamps. So..If I am right…Happy Birthday to you.

    I plan to be back to church the week after Easter, whether Dud feels up to going or not. I went once about a month ago and it felt so good to be back..gosh maybe it was before we made the move decision…I know it was very tiring for me, which surprised me, but then still recovering from surgery and a long time to sit still.

    Computer not working right but found I could go to firefox to read your blog and write you this way.

    Lots of love for now….Fran

  2. Sarah Jones says:

    I fell that Mr. Judson graces my life daily. I thank you for him and I am grateful that I have had the opportunity to "know", learn and experience from you and your family.

    And congrats on your skinny jeans! I have a box like that — but when I open it, all my shirts somehow turned into half-shirts and my pants look like biker shorts. Weird. Stupid magic clothes-shrinking box! 🙂

    All my love,

  3. Jean and Gary Butler says:

    Dear Christina~
    What a beautiful post….love your heart.Life here on earth is such a transition everyday; but losing a child should not be a part of that transition.Our children are suppose to outlive us….take care of us when we are old….and then things happen like what happened to your little Jud it just makes "understanding the WHY" so difficult. All we can say is we love you. Jean and Gary

  4. Jenn P. says:

    Oh Christina,

    I’m pretty sure it was on the way to that game that you told us you were expecting Little Levy. When I saw the photo, my heart just sank, before I even read your words. I am grieving with you today.


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