I am fascinated by my own longings to memorialize everything that is somehow connected to our journey with Judson.

Almost two years ago, after we left a wedding, Drake and I discovered that the windshield on our car had somehow been cracked from top to bottom while we were inside the church celebrating the newly married couple.  But we hadn’t had the means to replace it until this week (thanks to a generous gift from loved ones). 

Yet strangely, when the time came to remove the old windshield, I wanted to keep it.  I wanted to memorialize it.  I wanted to preserve it…

This windshield was significant in my journey of faith during Judson’s suffering—it reminded me of my little man and God’s faithfulness during his suffering; it is the windshield that displayed the word “trust” scrawled into the steam (see below) and I had never washed the word away.

But as I talked about my struggle with family, they kindly noted, “This seems like one thing where you just need to let go!”

And they are right.  But letting go is so hard.  When we have already had to let go of SO much, the little things become far more significant.  Ultimately, I’m just desperate to hold Jud, to keep him close…but I can’t.  So instead, I’ve discovered that I hold tightly to anything that might somehow help me feel like he is near—even a car windshield.