My dear sweet Judson,
How can it be that you have been gone a whole year?!!? How can it be that the world has continued without you?!??! It feels like everything should have stopped when your heart stopped. But it didn’t. The world carries on as if nothing happened, when, in fact, it lost the most precious, bright, kind, sharp, beautiful boy!!!!
But I’ve struggled to carry on. I am so broken living without you! It hurts so intensely not to see you, hold you, talk to you, laugh with you, sing with you, and watch you grow. Every part of me aches in longing for you and finds it excruciating to live with only shadows of the boy you were.
Every morning I wake up hoping that this was all somehow just a bad nightmare and you’ll come running from your bedroom with a favorite car in hand, to enthusiastically greet me.
But it’s been a year now. This nightmare is my reality.
Yet, this reality is not for eternity. I have tremendous hope. I picture you on the shores of heaven laughing, splashing, playing, jumping, singing, and doing all the things that little boys do as you wait for your dad and me to join you. How glorious it will be to have unhindered relationship with you in the presence of our Lord. I yearn for our reunion…and I want this hope to shape the rest of my time here on earth.
Jud Bud, if loving you means living with this gaping wound of loss for the rest of my life, I would enthusiastically choose it again and again; no amount of pain can compare to the gift of being your mom. Every moment I had with you is worth far more than any heartache. You are an incredible gift!!!! I feel so honored and blessed to call you son. Thank you for teaching me so much with your little life!
I miss you tremendously Sweet Man, but I will live expectantly with the hope God has given that I might honor both Him and you with my days.
Every ounce of my love,