Dear Judson,

Ever since you died, my life feels like it moves at a pace and rhythm far different than the rest of the world.  This is especially evident today.  As the commotion and hustling bustling for Christmas swishes by me, my world comes to a screeching halt as we commemorate your birthday.

I gave birth to you at 4:04 am four years ago—a beautiful bouncing boy with a perfect APGAR score—the greatest Christmas gift anyone could possibly receive.  I vividly recall how my intense love for you was instantaneous when I held you for the first time, but it also grew with each day we shared life together.  What a gift and joy every day was with you as you became my Buddy Boo!  Yet, I never fathomed that you would leave so quickly.

You came from me and became a part of me, and now I miss you every hour of every day with every ounce of my being.  My body and soul yearn for you like nothing I have ever experienced.

You have spent your entire fourth year of life in eternity—separated from all your family here on earth who love you so much, and separated from me, your mama who would give anything for just a glimpse of you as a growing boy.  But I know you don’t feel the separation like we do.  You know no pain or sorrow, fear or suffering now.  And I praise God you are free from the bondages of this life and free from the dreadful disease that sucked the life right out of you.

But I hate living without you.  Every cell of my body feels the separation.  It hurts so much.  I long for just an inkling, a moment with you—to hear your voice develop, to see you get taller, to watch your features change with time, to catch a glimpse of you and your sister playing together.  How can it be that I will never celebrate another one of your birthdays with you here on earth?!??!

Judson, you are such an amazing boy; you have left a huge void in my heart and a huge void in this world.  Your life is worthy of rich celebration.  You exhibited more sensitivity, thoughtfulness, patience, self-control, love for people, and Godly perspective than most people who have lived well into adulthood.  You also amazed me with your sense of humor and extremely sharp mind.  You are an incredible blessing and treasure!!

But now my treasure is in heaven.  Seeing you again will never ever be soon enough…but I will wait.  I will wait with expectancy for the day that we will be together again and I can celebrate YOU in eternity with our Savior.

Happy 4th birthday Buddy Boo!

I love you so much,
Mommy